Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


here is another time for confession.
i am not a baby passer. i'm selfish when it comes to my babies. it wasn't always this way. i was more than willing to pass my babies around- let perfect strangers hold them even. but after reading up on attachment theory and about how babies grow and thrive and are happier when they are with mom- more optimally so, when they are skin to skin.
with my last two they spent alot of their early weeks in a sling with me- both of us wearing one of daddy's button downs. beginning in the hospital, the pediatric nurse would come to check on the baby and would often find an empty bassinette.
"where's the baby????"
"she's under the hospital gown with me"
they eat better, breathe better, sleep better, eliminate better. plus they are just so soft, cute, and squishy- do i need anymore reason to keep them close?

but here is where it's hard this time. i feel like it would be nobel to share jedi- pass him around. but i don't want to(said in the most adult and diginified manor i can muster, and without a hint of a whine).
i just picture myself wanting to hold him indefinitely. like handing him off would be like severing my arm at my shoulder.
part of me believes that if he's left on my chest he'll live longer. he'll be more efficient with his oxygen, his heart rate will remain steady and strong, and his brain will not suffer any cortisol spikes.
i wonder if i'll ever be able to let him go. i pray that we are given alot of time. enough time that i'll be able to let go and let someone else feel his warmth and his wiggles.
i kind of detest myself for being so selfish. i hate that i feel this way.
my heart is so at odds with itself over this.


  1. Liz, just because you feel like this does not necessarily make you selfish. As I have been told a myriad of times, our feelings stem from our values. At least some if not most of your feelings are coming from your very real and good value of Jedidiah's life and the nurturing that only a mother can give, and the desire to help him live even just a little longer and as well as he can for that time. Perhaps some of what you need is more trust that the love of his siblings and father will also have such a good effect on him, that each one of you has a unique love to offer and he needs them all. Your love is most dominant, and most needed and he probably should spend the most time with you. But each loving touch and little cuddle with the other people in his life who love him dearly will enrich his life, too. They are blessings for him, too. Maybe if you look at it like that -- each time his siblings or dad holds him is like a special gift being passed from them to him, one that he cannot necessarily get without that contact, however brief, then maybe it will not be so hard to give him up for a few minutes here and there.
    Perhaps I am wrong or there is another way to look at it. This is just what came to mind right now when I read your post.
    Love you,

  2. Elizabeth, I think this is one occasion where most of us want you to be selfish. A good lot of us believe as you do, that a mother's touch with God's blessing can heal a lot. Keep Jedi close, give him as much help as you can. Your gut will tell you when it's the right time to share and it's ok if that's awhile.

  3. I can't imagine you feeling any differently than you do about it - you have such a great bond with your kids. And it will be especially so with a special little guy like Jedi. Like you, I was always most comfortable with the babies in their sling next to my body. Selfish? I don't know. I think it's just a natural inclination to facilitate a mother-child bond, which is a healing bond. A visiting Jesuit priest was celebrating a healing mass at our church a few years ago, and he mentioned that the most healing sight in the world is the sight of a mother holding her infant. I tend to agree...

  4. Elizabeth you do whatever you feel you need to do....You will know in your heart what is the right time or not. I still feel that way with Braedon some things I can't share, some things I make myself share. The most important we keep to ourselves so no one can spoil it with drama or making it about them. It is so natural, it is so heart warming to know you want to spend every moment with your baby and give your baby the best of every moment God chooses for him to be here. Jedidiah is already so loved! Already so Blessed by God. God will lead you Elizabeth. God will let you know what is right and what is wrong....
    Don't worry about any of that now. One day at a second at a time when that gets too overwhelming!

  5. Makes perfect sense to me, Elizabeth. Hold him as close and often as you wish. Jedidiah won't mind a bit. If others have time to hold him, that will be a blessing to them, as well. Jedidiah is precious and anyone who holds him or sees him will know that its a gift to have had that privelege.

  6. Follow your heart. It's more important to give him what you believe he needs than to be polite - kisses can come to him! To this day, if I let one of my "babies" sit with someone else in church, I sit there thinking "now why did I do that?" Sometimes it's the right time or the right thing for them, but my body still aches for that time with them and sometimes I choose to be "selfish" like that. Hugs!


link within

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...