Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, May 27, 2011

one year anniversary of naming of jedi

on the way to huntsville last memorial day i was knitting the
beginnings of jedi's blue blanket. we didn't know what gender he
was. in fact the wednesday after memorial day was to be our first
ultrasound- the ultrasound that first let us know everything was not
ok. on our way to huntsville we talked over names. i already had the
middle name picked out. i wanted joseph and i was waiting for chris
to pick a nice first name. chris said he liked the name jed. so i
said "what about jedidiah?". i remembered seeing that name on bumper
stickers in san diego when we lived there. so it was decided. if he
was a girl we were going to go with charlotte rose.

it's hard to remember what life was like before jedi had something
wrong. how his future extended before us. how we dreamed of him
growing up with the kids- learning to ride a bike, dig for worms, and
climb trees.
my first ultrasound with dolphin (the name given the current womb baby
by his older sister mary jane) i sat on the table and looked up at the
tv screen on the wall. it took me back to the peri's office and all
those "abnormal" boxes the ultrasound tech kept checking with jedi.
there was about one or two boxes she checked "normal".
although i never cried during any of jedi's ultrasound i burst out
crying there on the table with dolphin- and they hadn't even turned on
the machine!
chris grabbed me some tissues. ultrasounds now no longer mean the
same thing. they used to be all cute and "we get to peek in at our
baby this thursday!" and "we're going to find out what gender our baby
is tomorrow!"
no, now when i hear about someone getting an ultrasound i kind of hold
my breath. i pray that whatever learned in that room- good or bad-
comes with the adequate graces.


st. jedidiah, pray for us!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

baby in a bubble widget

i'm not sure why the baby floating in the bubble on the top left looks like a 6 weeker. this baby is almost 14 weeks and has ALOT more detail than a 6 weeker.
i'll try to upload some ultrasound pics later.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

a baby

and it's a boy!
and he's due right after that anniversary of jedi's death- so i come
to you all, yet again- begging your prayers. i still and navigating
grief. i don't LOVE the term rainbow baby. i don't like how people
think of other children purely as a bandaid or a salve. i REALLY want
this baby to stand on his own- be his own person, but right now there
is still a shadow and pretty big shoes to fill. will i EVER see this
baby as he is on his own? or will there be a nagging comparison?
will i find pure joy in being able to nurse and sling this baby-
without the shadow of loss in not ever being able to do that for and
with jedi? i am not sure. all this is so new to me.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

six months

today is jedidiah's hevenly half birthday. we went to mass and
grandma and grandpa peek took us to chick-fil-a afterwards. tonight
we will have cake.
i think the date that has been on my mind the most is the date that
changed our lives. coming up- june 1st. the day of our first


st. jedidiah, pray for us!

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