i know from past experience that baby movements slow down in the last month. i tell myself this more times a day than i can count. all during august and september he was a tumbling tornado. but since we've hit october he's mellowed out alot. it does cause me to stop and sit and will him to move. i feel like if i want it bad enough- he'll know and he'll give me a little jab. but sometimes the minutes and hours tick by with no update. my mouth gets dry. my concentration wanes. my thoughts turn to preparing for the absolute worst.
i used to believe that i could easily make it to 42 weeks before i felt the need get induced. but on the long nights when i can't sleep and i can't feel the familiar flutter- i'm tempted to request an induction before then. the chances of him being born alive seem to be greater then.
but- if anything- this journey has taught me that i control nothing. that the cliche cross stitched pillow saying "let go and let God" is right on. jedidiah came to us by natural means. he will be born by natural means and we will say goodbye to him and let him go by natural means.
my whole heart aches with the prayer that i will be given some time with him to enjoy his warmth- but God's plan is the masterplan. and there is something bigger at work than just me and my desires- no matter how earth shattering they may feel to little me.
Oh Liz, I hear your words in my own.. I know that feeling of nothing and then finally a kick, of that joyful feeling of life within and asking God, as a mother who God Knows better than any, wants to see and hold her baby alive. I prayed and prayed and prayed to hold Matthew on my chest. I cried out to God and always finished with Your Will be Done. I am joining in your daily walk this month as you await for God to tell you when Jedi's birth day will be. It will come and it will all fit perfectly in God's plan.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to tell you to take a large ziplock to the hospital and put one of his blankets in it and seal it up... later it will still have him most precious smell. I still have Matthew's blue knitted blanket in my ziplock and it still has his sweet smells. I love you Liz. Trust in God and call on Our Lady who knows your heart.
The other day when I was praying, this scripture jumped out at me. I thought of you, because I know this is what you are doing, but it is always so good to be reminded (from Romans chapter 5):
ReplyDelete"Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, (4)and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope,
(5)and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the holy Spirit that has been given to us.
Just now when i was looking for it to write to you, I also found this:
(from chapter 4)
"For this reason, it depends on faith, so that it may be a gift, and the promise may be guaranteed to all his descendants, not to those who only adhere to the law but to those who follow the faith of Abraham, who is the father of all of us,(17)as it is written, "I have made you father of many nations." He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed,
---who gives life to the dead and calls into being what does not exist.(18)He believed, hoping against hope, that he would become "the father of many nations," according to what was said, "Thus shall your descendants be." (19)He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body as (already) dead (for he was almost a hundred years old) and the dead womb of Sarah.
(20)He did not doubt God's promise in unbelief; 6 rather, he was empowered by faith and gave glory to God (21)and was fully convinced that what he had promised he was also able to do."
What has God promised you, Liz? :)
Much love and prayers,
Maire