i know from past experience that baby movements slow down in the last month. i tell myself this more times a day than i can count. all during august and september he was a tumbling tornado. but since we've hit october he's mellowed out alot. it does cause me to stop and sit and will him to move. i feel like if i want it bad enough- he'll know and he'll give me a little jab. but sometimes the minutes and hours tick by with no update. my mouth gets dry. my concentration wanes. my thoughts turn to preparing for the absolute worst.
i used to believe that i could easily make it to 42 weeks before i felt the need get induced. but on the long nights when i can't sleep and i can't feel the familiar flutter- i'm tempted to request an induction before then. the chances of him being born alive seem to be greater then.
but- if anything- this journey has taught me that i control nothing. that the cliche cross stitched pillow saying "let go and let God" is right on. jedidiah came to us by natural means. he will be born by natural means and we will say goodbye to him and let him go by natural means.
my whole heart aches with the prayer that i will be given some time with him to enjoy his warmth- but God's plan is the masterplan. and there is something bigger at work than just me and my desires- no matter how earth shattering they may feel to little me.