Friday, May 10, 2013
we have an ultrasound appointment next tuesday. i need some peace of mind. this whole first trimester has been peppered with "what if, what if, what if? ahhhhhh! SHUT UP BRAIN!!!!"
so i'm ready to put the what ifs behind me. i was in such a fit one day and all wound up that when i stumbled upon a lost picture of jedidiah it made me catch my breath. i realized that i'm not at all afraid of having a baby like him. i, on the other hand, am entirely scared of grief. and it seems i've compartmentalized jedidiah and grief in two different places and they do cross occassionally but not often.
so with all the what ifs i haven't been able to let go fully and truly enjoy this pregnancy. my enjoyment grows every day that the morning(or in my case 9-11pm) sickness lessens. but there is still this nagging what if shadow.
this shadow is so hard to kick. and especially since i'm feeling this spiritual dryness- the desert- it's so hard to feel God. instead i must have faith and just know God. i sometimes feel like i'm going through the motions. i've done this before. when i was pregnant with max. it was like- "this is the form of being a Christian- but please don't look inside!!!" and then when he was about 3 months old i had this big spiritual awakening- that also happened to correspond with a parenting philosophy awakening- and things were light and roses and "hallelujahs" again. so it's nice to know that maybe if i hang on long enough, the roses, light, and hallelujahs will be back. and even if it means months, years, a lifetime? that's ok.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
thank you to all who have sent me pictures of jedidiah!
i wanted you all to know that besides the memory wiping virus i have been feeling really good these past few months.
since we have bought our place closer to town i have been filled with so much love and gratitude. in hindsight i know i was depressed. i wouldn't say i felt overwhelming and crippling sadness. i felt that only occasionally and not too much during the past year. i mostly felt nothing. which makes me believe that this resurgence of feelings is me coming out of the funk.
and while i still fear the death of a loved one, it is not as strong as it once was.
God has walked me through the valley of death. and now, on the other side, i am drinking deep at the table of life, relishing in my family, my friends, and my faith.
and chris couldn't save anything from the memory.
all the pictures. all the video.
i took the news surprisingly well. but i told him "that is all we have of jedidiah."
he fiddled with it for another hour and then decided to turn it over to a specialist.
but the latest news from the specialist isn't great. they said they could access and move all of our music. but they said they only found a few picture files.
i just hope and pray that his file is among the ones they found.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
i have been meaning to blog about life with us nowadays. i am often speechless and overwhelmed with gratitude for baby john- or dolphin as the kids still call him(indeed he responds to both names interchangeably).
he has been such a blessing to us all. such light and joy. i feel a pang of guilt when i remember how i met the news of his pregnancy with such regret and feelings of insecurity. i felt i wasn't ready. but God disagreed. and boy, am i glad he did!
john is about the size of a small toddler. he's giving my rotator cuff some trouble but there is no sweeter burden. he is crawling and pulling up. he loves to swim. he loves bugs. he loves to nurse(shocking, no?). he loves his siblings very reciprocally. it's been a lovely time for us all.