miles from where i started

when i began this pregnancy i was all set to do it unassisted.
i had had about enough of prenatal appointments. so much that i felt i could really handle it on my own. i can pee in a cup and dip a stick bought at CVS into the cup's contents. i can weigh myself. i can get my blood pressure taken at the pharmacy. i can give myself dietary advice. i can do tummy checks with a tailor's tape. all this without having to get a babysitter.
the only thing i couldn't do was administer the ultrasound.
now- this is where i diverge from the hardcore unassisted prego. i have had a prior placenta previa with no other evidence other than the scan.
for the ultrasound i was going to have to go in to the office of the midwife who was going to ultimately deliver our child.
so, this is where my entire pregnancy changed from one absent of white coats to one full to the brim with them.
at the first visit we found out that there were a few things wrong. it was very vague.
"the baby has a cleft pallate...and there's something wrong with the brain."
the very next day we were in the high resolution ultrasound, 400$ an hour consultation, maternal fetal specialists office throwing all the latest technological radiation we had at our child. we found out more. we walked away having even more questions than what we had going in.
then onto the next appointment. went in with questions, found out more stuff, walked out with even more questions. so forth and so on.
now i'm just back to regular prenatal appointments. i canceled all the future maternal fetal microwave appointments and am comfortable with just my little old jewish OB/Gyn. the boring pee in a cup routine is actually comforting. i'm normal in that one way. i can do my specimen bit, stand on the ancient scale, get my arm squeezed half to death and go sit back in the waiting room like all the other normal pregnant women.
i am miles away from the first few weeks of this pregnancy. i am deeper in trust. deeper in reliance. deeper in the belief that providence is all we need.