we are about 12 weeks along. and if i put a bunch of faith in due dates i'd be over the moon about being due on john's birthday. but i don't so instead i'm mildly amused.
we have an ultrasound appointment next tuesday. i need some peace of mind. this whole first trimester has been peppered with "what if, what if, what if? ahhhhhh! SHUT UP BRAIN!!!!"
so i'm ready to put the what ifs behind me. i was in such a fit one day and all wound up that when i stumbled upon a lost picture of jedidiah it made me catch my breath. i realized that i'm not at all afraid of having a baby like him. i, on the other hand, am entirely scared of grief. and it seems i've compartmentalized jedidiah and grief in two different places and they do cross occassionally but not often.
so with all the what ifs i haven't been able to let go fully and truly enjoy this pregnancy. my enjoyment grows every day that the morning(or in my case 9-11pm) sickness lessens. but there is still this nagging what if shadow.
this shadow is so hard to kick. and especially since i'm feeling this spiritual dryness- the desert- it's so hard to feel God. instead i must have faith and just know God. i sometimes feel like i'm going through the motions. i've done this before. when i was pregnant with max. it was like- "this is the form of being a Christian- but please don't look inside!!!" and then when he was about 3 months old i had this big spiritual awakening- that also happened to correspond with a parenting philosophy awakening- and things were light and roses and "hallelujahs" again. so it's nice to know that maybe if i hang on long enough, the roses, light, and hallelujahs will be back. and even if it means months, years, a lifetime? that's ok.