mary jane the midwife

checking in

everything is still the same. no changes.
i have felt an intense desire to stay at home with the kids and play cardgames, build puzzles, knit while they play outside.
for the most part i am giving in to that desire.

i'm also feeling that peace i asked you all to intercede for. just an acceptance of the day. an awe and wonder at watching His plan unfold. what day will He choose?
i thought about why i was feeling such intense impatience and it was because i have never been able to fully prepare myself for a miscarriage this late in the game. and i began to think that if i were able to prepare myself for that- maybe something would be wrong with me. moms just can't do that. which is fine, because God will come with His grace when it is most needed. and knowing that is helping.

so my patience is at a nice new level, thanks to God. i am going to try my best to keep this gift of patience intact- so i am avoiding all phone calls. expectation from outsiders always seems to rattle me and since this patience is a nice respite- i don't want to ruin it.

mj's bed for jedidiah

she collected these items and built a little pallet at the foot of our bed. he has...
- a hooded towel for a blanket
- a soft sheepskin to sleep on
- a boppy for a pillow
- a babydoll to sleep with

she went on and on about him last night. the funniest thing she said was, "mommy is going to go to sleep and jedidiah is going to come out. then mommy is going to wake up and laugh."
when we woke up this morning the first thing she said was, "mommy, when are you going to take jedidiah to the doctor?"

40 weeks! praise God!

join me in praising God!

jedi has beaten a majority of the odds set against him- all through the power of my prayer warriors' intercessions. thank you!
it's funny and so heartwarming to see a little goose egg over in the pregnancy countdown widget on the left.:)

here's an update-
i went to doctor tate's yesterday for a tummy check and he said things look good.
i'm measuring 35.5 weeks.
he's head down.
his heartrate was holding at the 140 range or slightly higher.
he's still kicking strong.
my amniotic fluid was a bit low but nothing pounding water can't take care of.
i'm about 2 cm dilated.

my new prayer request is for peace and assurance. i just need to know on a deeper level that God is taking care of all of us. that everything is in His hands and not to worry too much about an induction.
as always, thank you so much for your prayers and kind comments.

ready or not?

i wouldn't say i'm ready. i'm just sick of the anticipation. labor can begin at any moment. i kind of feel like it's the beginning of the end of this part of my life. i will no longer be carrying jedi in my womb. and while the beginning of labor means something entirely different in a normal pregnancy, in this one it's not the same.
it's almost like i don't want to be caught off guard. i am analyzing symptoms and reading into signs and such and i'm exhausted. i wish i could just go through my last days being pregnant like nothing earth shattering was imminent.
so i'm not ready for labor. but i am ready to be done with the emotional anticipation of the event.

ninth day of the blessed teresa novena

holiness is Jesus living and acting in me
"our works of charity are nothing but the overflow of our love of God from within. therefore, the one who is most united to Him loves her neighbor most."

"our activity is truly apostolic only in so far as we permit Him to work in us and through us- with His power, with His intense desire, with His love. we must become holy not because we want to feel holy, but because Christ must be able to live His life fully in us."

"let us spend ourselves with Him and for Him. let Him see with your eyes, speak with your tongue, work with your hands, walk with your fee, think with your head and love with your heart. is this not perfect union, a continual loving prayer? God is our loving Father. let your light of love so shine before man that seeing your good works(the washing, sweeping, cooking, loving your husband and the children) they may glorify the Father."

"be holy. holiness is the easiest way to satiate Jesus' thirst. His for you and yours for Him."

thought for the day

"charity for each other is the surest way to great holiness."

ask for the grace to become a saint. recite the prayer to blessed teresa

my birth history

we are only a few days away from jedi's due date. i've been thinking about the other children's births and wondering how his will be different- how will it be the same?
henry was two weeks late. i was a first time mom. the doctors told me "nothing good happens after 42 weeks." so i agreed to an induction that evening when my doctor was going to be on call.
samantha was almost two weeks late. they did an ultrasound and found out that her fluid was low. i was sent to the hospital for an induction after the appointment.
max was two weeks late. they did an ultrasound at my 42 week appointment and diagnosed him as "a big baby". i went home to get stuff together and then went into the hospital for an induction. he ended up being 10 lbs 4 oz and 23 inches.
with george i was treated to going into labor naturally at home at 41 weeks 1 day. his was a beautiful waterbirth surrounded by wonderful support.
with mary jane i had a c-section for placenta previa at 39 weeks.
with frances my water broke at 37 weeks and no labor followed. i went into the hospital 24 hours later and induction began. she was born 56 hours after waters broke.

how will labor begin with jedi? i have only experienced a natural beginning to labor once. i would really LOVE to go into labor quietly at home with my family. there is something terrifying about humans taking birth initiation into their own hands. and something so divine about getting the sign of labor out of the blue.
my contractions aren't close to the stuff of labor. they are quaint little tightenings that linger for a brief time- not long enough to change anything major.

the eigth day of the blessed teresa novena

Jesus made Himself the Bread of Life and the Hungry One

"He proved His love to us by giving His own life, His own being. 'He being rich became poor' for you and for me. He gave Himself totally. He died on the cross. but before He died He made Himself the Bread of Life to satisfy our hunger for love, for Him. He said, 'unless you eat My Flesh and drink My Blood you cannot have life eternal.' and the greatness of that love of His made Him the hungry one, and He said, 'I was hungry and you fed me, and unless you feed Me you cannot enter eternal life.' that is the giving of Christ. and today God keeps on loving the world. He keeps on sending you and me to prove that He loves the world, that He still has that compassion for the world. it is we who have to be His love, His compassion in the world of today. but to be able to love we must have faith, for faith in action is love, and love in action is service. that s why Jesus made Himself the Bread of Life, that we may be able to eat and live and be able to see Him in the distressing disguise of the poor."

"our life must be woven with the Eucharist. from Jesus in the Eucharist we learn how much God thirsts to love us and how He thirsts for our love and for the love of souls in return. from Jesus in the Eucharist we receive the light and strength to quench His thirst."

thought for the day:

"believe that He, Jesus, is in the appearance of Bread and that He, Jesus, is in the hungry, naked, sick, unloved, homeless, helpless and hopeless."

ask for the grace to see Jesus in the Bread of Life and to serve Him in the distressing disguise of the poor. recite the prayer to blessed teresa.

the seventh day of the novena to blessed teresa

God loves a cheerful giver

"to bring joy into our very soul the good God has given Himself to us...joy is not simply a matter of temperament. in the service of God and souls, it is always hard- all the more reason why we should try to acquire it and make it grow in our hearts. joy is prayer. joy is strength. joy is love. joy is a net of love by which you can catch many souls. God loves a cheerful giver. he gives most, who gives with joy. if in the work you have difficulties and you accept them with joy, with a big smile, in this like in any other things others will see your good work and glorify the Father. the best way to show your gratitude to God and people is to accept everything with joy. a joyful heart is the normal result of a heart burning with love."

"without joy there is no love, and love without joy is not true love. and so, we need to bring that love and that joy into the world today."

"joy was the strength of Our Lady, too. Our Lady was the first missionary of charity. she was the first one to receive Jesus physically and to carry Jesus to others; and she went in haste. only joy could give her this strength and swiftness to go and do the work of a handmaid."

thought for the day:

"joy is the sign of union with God, of God's presence. joy is love, the normal result of a heart burning with love."

ask for the grace to find joy in loving and to share this joy with everyone you meet. recite the prayer to blessed teresa.

quality time in the AM

it was a long day yesterday. i paused a few times when i felt jedi stretch- to thank God and make a mental note of the time.
but as the day went on i began to wonder when the last time i felt him was. i struggled to find a heartrate at bedtime and was relieved when i found it. it was lower than i normally find it- a good sign right?
so i got up at three. again.
in the quiet house i took a quiz that my online teacher posted yesterday, typed and prayed the ma t novena, and sat back and enjoyed an exhibition of kicks, jabs, and stretches.
it is SO nice.

the sixth day of the blessed teresa novena

"'I thirst' has no meaning unless through total surrender i give all to Jesus."

"how easy it is to conquer God! we give ourselves to God, then God is ours; and there is nothing more ours than God. for if we surrender to Him, we shall possess Him as He possesses Himself, that is, we shall live His own life. the money with which God repays our surrender is Himself. we become worthy of possessing Him when we abandon ourselves to Him in a supernatural way. true love is surrender. the more we love the more we surrender."

"often you see small and big wires, new and old, cheap and expensive, lined up. unless and until the current passes through them there will be no light. the wire is you and me. the current is God. we have the power to let the current pass through us, use us, and produce the Light of the World- Jesus; or refuse to be used and allow darkness to spread. Our Lady was the most wonderful wire. she allowed God to fill her to the brim, so by her surrender- 'be it done to me according to your word'- she became full of grace, and naturally the moment she was filled by this current, the grace of God, she went in haste to elizabeth's house to connect the wire, john, to the current, Jesus."

thought for the day

"allow God to use you without consulting you."

ask for the grace to surrender your whole life to God. recite the prayer to blessed teresa.

fifth day of the blessed teresa novena

"trust in the good God, who loves us, who cares for us, who sees all, knows all, can do all things for my good and the good of souls."

"love Him trustfully without looking back, without fear. give yourself fully to Jesus. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His Love than in your weakness. believe in Him, trust in Him with blind and absolute confidence because He is Jesus."

"Jesus never changes... trust Him lovingly, trust Him with a big smile, always believing He is the Way to the Father, He is the light in this world of darkness."

"in all sincerity we must be able to look up and say: 'i can do all things in Him Who strengthens me.' because of this assertion of st. paul, you must have a certain confidence in doing your work- or rather God's work- well, efficiently, even perfectly, with Jesus and for Jesus. be also convinced that you by yourself can do nothing, have nothing, but sin, weakness and misery; that all the gifts of nature and of grace which you have, you have them from God."

"Mary, too, showed that complete trust in God by accepting to be used for His plan of salvation in spite of her nothingness, for she knew that He who is mighty can do great things in her and through her. she trusted. once she said 'yes' to Him- finished. she never doubted."

thought for the day:

"confidence in God can do all things. it is our emptiness and lowliness that God needs and not our plenitude."

ask for the grace to have an unshakeable trust in God's power and love for you and for all. recite the prayer to blessed teresa.

"I thirst"

the third day of the mother teresa novena really grabbed me.
i think it sums up what i've been feeling over the past week. i just feel so cherished, so loved, so special. i've started walking in the evenings now that the weather is nicer and just getting outside and permitting myself to be aware of all that is present- it really has helped me to feel grounded. it's quiet time spent with God. i don't say anything- He doesn't say anything. but i feel His and He is mine.
one thing that has come out of this journey is a deeper feeling of being loved by Him.
and i wouldn't change that in a million years. i wouldn't go back and choose to avoid this whole situation if i could.
He was not content to leave me living a comfortable american life. a life where true suffering is few and far between and where my reliance on Him was shallow rooted. He thirsts for me! can you believe it?
He wants me to enter deeper into this relationship with Him, that would require me relying on Him more, me communicating with Him more.
i feel so small and unworthy- but He thirsts for my small unworthiness.
and who am i to argue?

fourth day of the novena to blessed teresa

"how much we need mary to teach us what it means to satiate God's thirsting love for us, which Jesus came to reveal to us. she did it so beautifully. yes, mary allowed God to take possession of her life by her purity, her humility, and her faithful love...let us seek to grow, under the guidance of our Heavenly Mother, in these three important interior attitudes of soul that delight the Heart of God and enable Him to unite Himself to us, in and through Jesus, in the power of the Holy Spirit. it is in doing so that, like Mary our Mother, we will allow God to take full possession of our whole being - and through us God will be able to reach out His thirsting love to all we come in contact with, especially the poor."

"if we stand with Our Lady, she will give us her spirit of loving trust, total surrender and cheerfulness."

thought for the day

"how close we must keep to Our Lady who understood what depth of Divine Love was being revealed as she stood at the foot of the Cross and heard Jesus cry out: 'I thirst',"

ask for the grace to learn from Our Lady to quench Jesus' thirst as she did. recite the prayer to blessed teresa.

third day of the blessed teresa novena

hear Him say to you: "I thirst"

"in His agony, in His pain, in His loneliness He said very clearly, 'why have You forsaken Me?' He was so terribly lonely and forsaken and suffering on the Cross...at this most difficult time He proclaimed: 'I thirst'...and the people thought He was thirsty in an ordinary way and they gave Him vinegar straight-away; but it was not that He thirsted for- it was for our love, our affection, that intimate attachment to Him, and that sharing of His passion. and it is strange that He used such a word. He used 'I thirst' instead of 'give Me your love'...the thirst of Jesus on the Cross is not imagination. it was a word: 'I thirst'. let us hear Him saying it to me and saying it to you...it is really a gift of God."

"if you listen with your heart, you will hear, you will understand... until you know deep inside that Jesus thirsts for you, you can't begin to know who He wants to be for you. or who He wants you to be for Him."

"follow His footsteps in search of souls. carry Him and His light into the homes of the poor, especially to the souls most in need. spread the charity of His Heart wherever you go and so satiate His thirst for souls."

thought for the day

"just think! God is thirsting for you and me to come forward to satiate His thirst."

ask for the grace to understand Jesus' cry of thirst. recite the novena prayer to blessed teresa

prenatal photo shoot teaser

i just loved working with oana. she has such an eye for composition. i can't wait to see the rest!

post dates

i just read a bit of an article posted on midwifery today- an online journal.

Postdates, by itself, is not associated with poor pregnancy outcome. Extreme postdates or postdates in conjunction with poor fetal growth or developmental abnormalities does show an increased risk of stillbirth. But if growth restriction and birth defects are removed, there is no statistical increase in risk until a pregnancy reaches 42 weeks and no significant risk until past 43 weeks. The primary “evidence” of a sharp rise in stillbirth after 40 weeks—often misquoted as “double at 42 weeks and triple at 43 weeks”—seems to come from one study based on data collected in 1958

i'm getting more and more anxious to meet him every day. but somewhere deep inside me still says "all in God's time".

second day of the novena to blessed teresa

Jesus loves you

"am i convinced of Christ's love for me, and mine for Him? this conviction is like the sunlight which makes the sap of life rise and the buds of sanctity bloom. this conviction is the rock on which sanctity built."

"the devil may try to use hurts of life, and sometimes our own mistakes, to make you feel it is impossible that Jesus really loves you, is really cleaving to you. this is a danger for all of us. and so sad, because it is completely opposite of what Jesus is really wanting, waiting to tell you...He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy."

"Jesus loves you tenderly, you are precious to Him. turn to Jesus with great trust and allow yourself to be loved by Him. the past belongs to His mercy, the future to His providence, and the present to His love."

thought for the day
"do not be afraid- you are precious to Jesus. He loves you."

ask for the grace to be convinced of Jesus' unconditional and personal love for you. recite the novena prayer to blessed teresa.

sharing

here is another time for confession.
i am not a baby passer. i'm selfish when it comes to my babies. it wasn't always this way. i was more than willing to pass my babies around- let perfect strangers hold them even. but after reading up on attachment theory and about how babies grow and thrive and are happier when they are with mom- more optimally so, when they are skin to skin.
with my last two they spent alot of their early weeks in a sling with me- both of us wearing one of daddy's button downs. beginning in the hospital, the pediatric nurse would come to check on the baby and would often find an empty bassinette.
"where's the baby????"
"she's under the hospital gown with me"
they eat better, breathe better, sleep better, eliminate better. plus they are just so soft, cute, and squishy- do i need anymore reason to keep them close?

but here is where it's hard this time. i feel like it would be nobel to share jedi- pass him around. but i don't want to(said in the most adult and diginified manor i can muster, and without a hint of a whine).
i just picture myself wanting to hold him indefinitely. like handing him off would be like severing my arm at my shoulder.
part of me believes that if he's left on my chest he'll live longer. he'll be more efficient with his oxygen, his heart rate will remain steady and strong, and his brain will not suffer any cortisol spikes.
i wonder if i'll ever be able to let him go. i pray that we are given alot of time. enough time that i'll be able to let go and let someone else feel his warmth and his wiggles.
i kind of detest myself for being so selfish. i hate that i feel this way.
my heart is so at odds with itself over this.

first day of blessed teresa novena

know the living Jesus

"do you really know the living Jesus- not from books but from being with Him in you heart?"

"am i convinced of Christ's love for me and mine for Him? this conviction is the rock on which sanctity is built. what must we do to get this conviction? we must know Jesus, love Jesus, serve Jesus. knowledge will make you strong as death. we know Jesus through faith: by medidtating on His Word in the scriptures, by listening to Him speak through His Church, and through the intimate union of prayer."

"seek Him in the tabernacle. fix your eyes on Him who is the Light. Bring your hearts close to His Divine Heart and ask Him to grant you the grace of knowing Him."

thought for the day

"don't search for Jesus in far lands; He is not there. He is close to you; He is in you."

ask for the grace of an intimate knowledge of Jesus. Recite the novena prayer to blessed teresa.

blessed teresa novena prayer

blessed teresa of calcutta,
you allowed the thirsting love of Jesus on the cross to become a living flame within you, and so became the light of His love to all. obtain from the Heart of Jesus...
(here make your request).
teach me to allow Jesus to penetrate and possess my whole being so completely that my life, to, may radiate His light and love to others.
amen.

false labor

thursday night i had a pick-up of a different type of contractions. they had a bit of an edge. they were timeable and i started to worry. i had just that day finished all my school work for the rest of the semester- all but quizzes and finals of course. well, it occured to me that i had a spanish quiz waiting to be taken. so, since i was up timing these edgy contractions, i decided time would be better spent taking this quiz. halfway through the quiz- at about 3:30 AM, mary jane awoke with a cough- a croupy cough.
i gave her a breathing treatment and tucked her into bed. i moved franky from her position by the open window over to a warmer position next to chris. when she rolled over i could detect the tight breath of croup in her as well. i think at this point all contractions ceased. i finished the quiz and came to bed soon after. george awoke friday morning with the same barky cough and hoarse voice.
i'm pretty sure my body shut off all attempts at labor so that i could tend to the sicklings. i was expecting a pick-up in the contractions friday evening- that's how george's labor went. so i took a big break friday. we kept it simple and loungy- watching inordinate amounts of pbs kids shows in our pjs.
i think we are wrapping up the croup. franky and mj are acting healthier. fevers are gone. cough is looser.
but i am SO comfortable being pregnant for a bit longer. the nice weather gets me walking outside and just taking those deep satisfied breaths. looking around at the swaying trees and listening to the distant sounds of children freed from their homes. i'm soaking it all in- enjoying having jedi reside for another day tucked away in my womb. enjoying his stretches, his hiccups, his punches.

the low stool

i love this padre pio quote. perhaps because it has to deal with crafting. but mostly because it has to deal with our perception of the world around us.

There is a mother who is embroidering. Her son sitting on a low stool sees her work, but upside down. He sees the knots of the embroidery; the tangled threads, and says: "Mother, what are you doing? Your work is not at all clear?"

Then the mother lowers the embroidery frame and shows the right side of her work. Each color is in its place and the variety of threads form a harmonious design.

So, we are seeing the reverse side of the embroidery. We are sitting on the low stool.

typical?

i've been told it is typical. but i think that makes me even more sad.
there are people who are close to me, people who i would have considered someone i could lean on in a hard time, who act like this whole situation doesn't exist.
oh, some of them ask how i am. but they ask in a way that tells me "i'm asking you, but really- please don't answer honestly." and what they don't know is, the honest answer isn't half bad.
so i think that saddens me more than facing what i'm facing. now i have to face it with people who would rather remain at a distance. it's easier for them to pretend it's not happening. they can protect themselves and their smooth flowing world.
it causes me to think on my past. have i done the same?
if it's typical, it must have been done to them when they were going through a tough time.
i'm probably not making any sense. this post is mostly for my own benefit and maybe for those who are experiencing the very same thing and can't put it into words either.
fr. kevin said that when he went through military classes on how to prevent suicide the bottom line was "give a care". that's a cleaned up version of what they really taught but it's true.
i'm not suicidal. i'm not even close. and the number of people who are reaching out dwarf the few people who aren't. but i think in this case i feel sorry for the people who choose not to reach out. i'm carrying on. i'm changing. i'm growing into a new person.
and those people who haven't kept up- they don't know me anymore. due to their self-preserving stance, they have missed out and when they decide to resume their relationship with me, it'll be different, because i am.

miles from where i started

when i began this pregnancy i was all set to do it unassisted.
i had had about enough of prenatal appointments. so much that i felt i could really handle it on my own. i can pee in a cup and dip a stick bought at CVS into the cup's contents. i can weigh myself. i can get my blood pressure taken at the pharmacy. i can give myself dietary advice. i can do tummy checks with a tailor's tape. all this without having to get a babysitter.
the only thing i couldn't do was administer the ultrasound.
now- this is where i diverge from the hardcore unassisted prego. i have had a prior placenta previa with no other evidence other than the scan.
for the ultrasound i was going to have to go in to the office of the midwife who was going to ultimately deliver our child.
so, this is where my entire pregnancy changed from one absent of white coats to one full to the brim with them.
at the first visit we found out that there were a few things wrong. it was very vague.
"the baby has a cleft pallate...and there's something wrong with the brain."
the very next day we were in the high resolution ultrasound, 400$ an hour consultation, maternal fetal specialists office throwing all the latest technological radiation we had at our child. we found out more. we walked away having even more questions than what we had going in.
then onto the next appointment. went in with questions, found out more stuff, walked out with even more questions. so forth and so on.
now i'm just back to regular prenatal appointments. i canceled all the future maternal fetal microwave appointments and am comfortable with just my little old jewish OB/Gyn. the boring pee in a cup routine is actually comforting. i'm normal in that one way. i can do my specimen bit, stand on the ancient scale, get my arm squeezed half to death and go sit back in the waiting room like all the other normal pregnant women.
i am miles away from the first few weeks of this pregnancy. i am deeper in trust. deeper in reliance. deeper in the belief that providence is all we need.

intercession

sometime last week i thanked the kids for saying prayers for me during my anatomy&physiology midterm. for some strange reason i got a good grade. a grade i wasn't expecting in the least.
samantha looked at me and said, "mom, it's jedi joe. he's interceeding for you already."
suffice it to say, that gave me chills.

please no high blood pressure

i woke this morning to a headache. it was only there when i stood up. i figured it was because we stayed up last night to watch the extra innings in the brave's game. chris had eggs and bacon ready for us when i came downstairs and after breakfast i decided to get some homework out of the way.
after sitting for 30 or 45 minutes on the couch with the laptop i realized my hands and feet were swollen. i could barely make a fist! that was when i began to be worried that my blood pressure was getting high. so i laid down and drank lots of water. the kids took turns bringing me water. i wanted to get my bp checked at publix and the kids wanted to go to the gym. i was feeling a bit better but still rather icky at this point. and so it wasn't a big surprise to me that at publix my bp was 10 points higher on top and on bottom. at the gym i paid for a 30 minute massage but the massage therapist and i got into discussing the muscles of the back, neck, and head- and so it turned into 45 minutes:) and i think i'll nail that portion on the muscle quiz this wednesday.
i feel much better now. there is still a ghost of a headache there- but nothing like this morning.

i REALLY don't want this pregnancy to end with an induction for high blood pressure. i just have to really be mindful of rest and hydration.

commence the waddle

i went for a walk around the neighborhood today. i made sure to sway my hips good and wide so he could settle his head down deep. the effects of that are visible now in the way i walk.
when a few weeks ago i wished i could be pregnant indefinitely, now i am starting to entertain other thoughts. i do want to meet him. i'm just terrified. it's like butterflies in my stomach- the ones i'd get if i were about to swim in the olympics and i was standing behind the blocks.
i now have a stethescope(thank you margaret) so i can listen to his heartbeat at night. it sounds like a roofer- a block away- hammering rythmically to secure shingles to a roof.
i'm struggling to get things done ahead of time. schoolwork that is available for me to do, i get it done asap. housework- not so much. the kids schooling is starting to slow down. i'm not as focused at getting through every subject with them as i was a couple of weeks ago. i just want us to slow down and enjoy "normal" for a little bit. we play outside, sit in the sun, go for walks- just be together.
they need the break. and so do i.

a big thank you

i bought a giant pack of thank you cards so i could acknowledge those people who have helped. it's overwhelming though, the amount of people who are pouring out support. and it comes in ALL kinds of forms. meals, gift cards, cleaning my house, babysitting, listening ears, quality time spent, beautiful personalized drawings by nieces:), kind, thoughtful, and compassionate comments made on the blog.
all these gifts have really been so touching. i can't possibly sit and pen "thank you"s to all the people who have reached out. i will still try though.
by far the most touching gift i've received are your prayers. they are my soul's balm.
yesterday- when i posted about kick counts- as soon as i clicked "publish" jedi decided to gift me with broad and swift kicks. it was amazing. i felt like the burden wasn't so focused on me- it was spread thin and you all were helping me carry it.

weekly appointments now

and i have to say that my sister regina is an angel.
not only does she take ALL six of my kids in while i go to a three hour minimum appointment, but she homeschools them as well- at least when they remember their backpacks(ahem- henry- ahem).

i woke up sometime before 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. i kept thinking about how i needed to get school stuff ready and kids ready and in the car before 8:30 and don't forget breakfast and oh yeah, chris needs clothes ironed, and throw some clothes in the wash before i go, did i forget anything????

it was so cold last night and i had left the window open. after my shower i had a huge fit of shivers, chattering teeth, and whole body shakes. it couldn't have been just the cold room. it was so massive i felt like throwing up. like i was in late labor transition. i quickly jumped back in the shower and stayed there until i felt my body was warm enough to retain heat until i got dressed.
it had to be stress. there is no other explanation. i was so worried about the appointment.
after i dropped the kids off at regina's house with their schoolbooks, a large bowl of cut watermelon, a gallon of milk, and some granola, i headed on my way.
i went into chick-fil-a for a biscuit since the line was long and as i crossed the parkinglot i saw a car very similar to chris' car. my heart leapt and sunk all at once. it rejoiced because i thought he wiped his morning schedule so he could come with me and miraculously knew i'd stop at chick-fil-a. it plummeted very soon after when i realized that this was completely impossible.
i had to fight back a minor tear-up so i could order and be on my way.
it's strange how i can walk through life and not realize what i'm feeling until the feeling is relieved. once relieved i sit and think "wow! i was REALLY stressed!"
so in chick-fil-a the relief was just a mini-break from the stress.

i got alot of spanish homework done while waiting for my belly check. my measurements were small, 33 weeks. but he measured during a contraction so i can probably add a couple weeks at least. he was still head down and he had a heartbeat.

then dr. tate treated me to quite a few breech "war stories". you could see the glint in his eye when he recalled a double footling breech extraction. or when he recounted the tale of annie- the famous triplet vbac. it made me want to sign up for medical school at emory, just so i could study under him and learn the lost art of forceps, frank breech delivery, and paracervical blocks.
i almost felt like a normal pregnant woman, and when i left the office i looked forward to him delivering jedi- a doctor so experienced and so confident, yet so compassionate.

kick counts

i know from past experience that baby movements slow down in the last month. i tell myself this more times a day than i can count. all during august and september he was a tumbling tornado. but since we've hit october he's mellowed out alot. it does cause me to stop and sit and will him to move. i feel like if i want it bad enough- he'll know and he'll give me a little jab. but sometimes the minutes and hours tick by with no update. my mouth gets dry. my concentration wanes. my thoughts turn to preparing for the absolute worst.
i used to believe that i could easily make it to 42 weeks before i felt the need get induced. but on the long nights when i can't sleep and i can't feel the familiar flutter- i'm tempted to request an induction before then. the chances of him being born alive seem to be greater then.
but- if anything- this journey has taught me that i control nothing. that the cliche cross stitched pillow saying "let go and let God" is right on. jedidiah came to us by natural means. he will be born by natural means and we will say goodbye to him and let him go by natural means.
my whole heart aches with the prayer that i will be given some time with him to enjoy his warmth- but God's plan is the masterplan. and there is something bigger at work than just me and my desires- no matter how earth shattering they may feel to little me.

gianna jessen- saline abortion survivor

this has been circulated on facebook a bunch over the past week.

and today- being pro-life sunday, i felt i had to share.

pictures from yesterday - 36 weeks

the boys and i.








jedi and his mommies.


standing in the shallows of the chattahoochee

36 weeks.

pictures from labor day '10

we went to panama city beach to enjoy some sun and sea. i was 32 weeks in these.





september 4th marked 11 years married to my best friend.

update to last post

i just updated my most recent posting my brother left todaywith a picture.