the world has turned and left me here

the world has turned and left me here
just where i was before you appeared
and in your place an empty space
has filled the void behind my face
-weezer

life seems to have just picked up where we left off. school, work, trash day, laundry, shopping, etc. my breasts have stopped giving milk. my womb is finishing healing. chris went back to work. christina returned home with her family. the kids are my main distraction. but if given any time to myself with idol hands i just get caught up in memories. my arms ache to hold not just any baby but him.
it has only been three weeks and three day since he was born and it feels like to the outside world it never even happened. i packed away all the pump stuff, all of his feeding tube stuff, all the sponges we used to moisten his mouth. proof of his physical presence is slowly being put on a shelf.
grief is so strange. sometimes i descend into this pit of day dreaming and wish the kids would parent themselves and leave me to my dreaming. sometimes i feel good and merry and we are all laughing and i look at myself and think "why am i having a good time? my son died less than two weeks ago." but i know that thought only can come from an evil dark place so i don't entertain that for very long. sometimes i just want to stay in bed.
sometimes i am scared to have another baby because i am scared that i will react negatively toward the baby- because it's not jedi.
i went for a long walk saturday night. i startled a bird in the path. it was dark and the bird flew out and landed on the street. a car came and as the bird took flight it hit the front bumper and landed in the grass not far from me. it flapped and flopped and soon was dead. i felt so terrible. i felt it was my fault. and it was the second time in less than two weeks that i had watched one of God's creatures die.