i look at pictures of him every day. it helps that i have a bunch on my phone's memory. i find my eye always being pulled first to his eyes. his soleful eyes. i can read alot in my kids' eyes. joy, sorrow, comfort, illness, health, pain, fatigue.
after his eyes i am drawn to his mouth and nose. then to his hands, particularly his pointer fingers. then the lay of his legs. then to his right foot. these are all the things that made jedi jedi. his special little attributes- i am drawn to them- they are magnetic to me.
they are the parts of him that endeared me to him. that made me so want to fight for him. that made me want to comfort him and hold him.
my body has finished the bulk of healing. my womb is whole, my breasts have stopped giving milk. but my mind is still stuck in a time two weeks ago. in a rare moment of quiet here at the house my mind immediately zips back to that time and i'm caught off guard with feelings and memories that bring a lump into my throat that is too big to swallow back down.
i miss him- and while it's a messy sea of sorrow i would not trade any of it for a life without knowing him. every little and big inconvenience of the pregnancy and post partum period has been so worth knowing him for those 13 days.