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Sunday, August 29, 2010

fear, loss of control, and anger

i used to think i was the most patient person in the world.
then i became a mom and that fact was proven to be false.
i feel with each kid i have to let something else go. simplify a little bit more. let go of certain worldly expectations.
but this one is just a wild step further than any step i've taken before. and this loss of control(control i thought i had:) has caused me to find out more about myself.
i like to know or have some idea of what may happen in the future. with each pregnancy i go into the last trimester visualizing what the birth will be like. this time i can't. i don't know where to begin. and this has caused me to start having anger issues. i've never really dealt with heavy anger. sure i get impatient with the kids. sure i get frustrated with them. but a few times in the past weeks i have lashed out with a hot anger that scares me. scares the kids. afterwards i come to them and apologize and they are so sweet and understanding- it breaks my heart. i tell them that i'll figure it out. that i'll work really hard at not coming down on them so hard in the future. that this is a new thing for me- but they are just so patient with me, it's hard not to see God at work in us.


  1. You are dealing with so much stress right now. This is how stress manifests itself. Be gentle & understanding with yourself. Its OK.

  2. Every day of our lives is an opportunity to recognize and acknowledge our imperfections and embrace His grace to work through and overcome them. How much you have already overcome is apparent in the way you have raised and connect with your kids; and thanks to Jedi the journey continues to include all who love you. Thanks for teaching us Liz....and Jedi! :)

  3. Hang in there Elizabeth! I know for me and our journey with Braedon it has been so much learning of me NOT being in control, learning God is in control and making sure my personal Faith truly believes that and just isn't saying it. My journey has been learning to trust God that much more...something I already thought I did but found out if I am getting frustrated bc we never know what tomorrow is going to bring than I don't really trust God! All of the uncertainty, all of the unknown is where you need to offer it up and pray. You don't know what your delivery will look like or is in store for Jedidiah BUT you do know that God loves you and will take care of you, Jedidiah, Chris and all of your beautiful children just as he does everyday! The best you can do is pray and have Faith in the Lord as He will ALWAYS provide for you! ALWAYS! Try to relax, try to engage the children with Jedidiah while he is in your belly so you have good memories during your pregnancy. Have the little ones read to him etc. You don't want to look back and remember how stressed you were!! You don't want that for you, Jedidiah, Chris or any of the children.
    On a different note...ugg life gets overwhelming for us too...I think it is normal. May not be the Mom you want to be but the going back and saying your sorry is what the children will really remember how their Mom always stepped up and recognized she was in the wrong. Which is an amazing example for them!
    God Loves YOU!!!! Call me if you need ANYTHING!

  4. Children are very resilient. They only know the parenting that they have experienced and it is the best as far as they are concerned. We are all human and make mistakes. When we admit those mistakes to our children, without 'letting them off the hook' by allowing misbehavior, then they can learn some valuable lessons. Yes, apologize for being out of control, but make sure they know when what they did was wrong, it is still wrong for them, just as it was wrong for you to 'fly off the handle'. It is a fine line we tread as parents, and often quite controversial in many circles. In the end, the children need to know that you love them and that sometimes means correcting them when need be, but also respecting their goodness and purity. Micah has taught me that boys, especially tweens and teens, are starting to feel the manly urge to 'fix' things and make them better (for the nurturing girls, there is a similar urge). Make sure they know that their efforts make a difference, that their prayers are a major comfort to you and to Jedi. Make sure they know when they contribute to the smooth running of your family that they are making a big difference. I think the biggest danger is in taking anything for granted. When we are feeling out of control, that is one thing we can control -- our reactions to the events around us that are beyond the situation that makes us feel out of control.

    Continuing to pray for you and yours. I know God has a miracle planned for you. I just don't know what exactly that miracle will be.

  5. "i used to think i was the most patient person in the world.
    then i became a mom and that fact was proven to be false"

    I can't believe you said that! I say that exact thing all the time.

    His eye is on the sparrow, indeed.


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