i wish i had good news to share, even a little bit. but everything we learned today was grim. there were parts of jedi's heart that even the surgeon couldn't place or recognize. it turns out that both his heart and his brain didn't properly go through the division process- so instead of there being two main vessels branching from the top of the heart, there is only one. we discussed several scenarios and i think the biggest thing i learned in that room was that chris and i aren't exactly on the same page. at least not yet. he's of the belief that we shouldn't decide anything until jedi is born. and i already have an idea of what i want to happen.
chris' heart is in the right place. he sees us merely providing comfort care as essentially giving up. he wants to fight this, to win, to come out on top. he's not one to give up.
but i just see this little boy- who wants to be loved while he's here. loved and let go. not wired up, beeping and blipping, hauled about atlanta in an ambulance, far away from everyone he loves- only to die in a strange room with strange people trying to forestall the inevitable.
i will pray that we come to the same page- whether that be me turning to his page, he turning to mine, or both of us coming to another page altogether. regardless, we were one before jedi. we need to be one for him.
Liz, We are intensifying our prayers for God's creative miracles, in whatever form they may take. We know that God is infinitely creative in His plans for Jedi and for your marriage. And we know that His will is perfect for the most benefit for each and every person involved. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteDear Elizabeth, I had hoped to hear more positive news about Jedi's heart. Marital grace will get you on the same page. I'm praying that both of you are open to that grace that will help you bring Jedi into this world in the way that God most desires.
ReplyDeleteDearest Liz,
ReplyDeleteGod has given this cross to you and Chris and with the cross there is always grace. I know that the Lord's suffering was great - and He is so close to you in your suffering now. As I read your blog this morning, It reminded me of Christ in the garden - may His love for you dwell deep with in your heart at this difficult time. Please dear Lord hold up our Lizzy.
The process for guys to handle stuff like this is so different from us girls, I really believe that you and Chris will come together very soon for the sake of this beautiful soul - little Jedidiah.
Although the love of our Lord is the greatest love of all - know that you are loved deeply and endlessly by many!
In pace Christi,
Kari
Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you did not get better news, yet one thing I have certainly learned the past 18 months is that only God knows how many days He has ordained for our precious children. I know how hard it is to make decisions about these precious babies. I pray God will give both you and your husband wisdom in how to best care for Jedidiah, and I also pray that God will help you two to be unified in these difficult decisions.
Jill
Dear Liz, I know you had hopes ( as any mother who has been in your similar place of hope for their unborn) for a different outcome. God knows what Jedi's mission here on earth is and one day that mission will be revealed to you and Chris and your openness to Life. Jedi is very lucky to have you both as his chosen parents from heaven's nursery, if only for a while. This post made me go back and remember a similar u/s so filled with hopes, but with similar outcome. The cardiologists were baffled at the design of Matthew's heart. Here is one of the posts from those days with Baby Matthew,http://godscanvas.wordpress.com/2009/05/20/pray-for-a-miracle-still/
ReplyDeletehoping maybe to share with you my thoughts after an u/s were so very close to your diagnoses with Jedi.
May your witness to others be all for God in His glory thorughout this journey.