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Monday, September 20, 2010

contemplating termination

the 40 days for life began yesterday. i find it a bit uncanny that it lines up closely with jedi's due date.
i remember as chris drove us home from the first diagnosis, i thought to myself, "i am sitting in a position where an abortion would be justified by most people." and yet, it was still not an option for me. i knew from witnessing the world around me- the experiences i've had, the people i have known- that terminating my child's life would only begin my problems, not end them.
a few things would happen. it would surely clean up, make more tidy and convenient, our situation from the outside. people wouldn't feel the need to worry for us, pray for us, help us out, be uncomfortable in our presence, etc. BUT, it would make it a whole lot more of a burden on just us two- chris and i. it would eat away at us from the inside like the most poisonous cancer. quiet, deadly, and swift. and i simply could not deal with that. i couldn't end a life that is the product of the love between chris and i.
another thing that would happen is that i would miss seeing and feeling just how many friends i have out there. when my sister regina's twins were struggling with pertusis at less than a month old i saw people coming out of the woodwork for her- doing things left and right and i thought- "wow, she has SO many friends! i hope nothing ever happens to our family, bc i'm not as extroverted as she is and i don't have nearly as many friends". but i was wrong. despite my introversion i have plenty! people i don't even know are exhibiting such care and compassion. i am deeply touched and i wouldn't ever know about how people care so much for us if i had "taken care" of jedi so many weeks ago.
one other thing that we would miss out on is that we wouldn't have this priceless chance to show just how unconditional our love is for our children. that no matter what- we will accept them and love them. they may not be perfect, and life may be uncertain at times and may cause us stress, but we will love them through the imperfection and the stress- because there is just not another alternative in this family.
the bottom line is this. God is the author of life. i am not going to presume to be his editor. i don't follow him with a red pen slashing through things i think shouldn't be there. every word he pens into existence is worthy of it's spot on the page. we can try to put human reasons to another's existence, but God's reasonings are so beyond the scope of our tiny brains and we cannot hope to understand them fully, at least not here and not now.


  1. My dear whizbeff--lovely thoughts from you and expressed from your wonderful heart.

  2. I found your blog through a friend, who also has a Trisomy 13 baby. Who is living despite being "incompatible with life". Our youngest son, Jethro, was born with a severe heart defect, also "incompatible with life" and he is now almost 7 months old and doing well. Only God knows the number of days each of these children have. What a blessing it is to be the Mama of one of these special little ones. To see God work in their lives and the lives of others ~ through our children!

    God is faithful. May He give you peace and the faith you need to walk this path. I know that sometimes, reading the stories of others who have gone through the same diagnosis can be overwhelming. Just remember that those stories are not Jedidiah's story ~ God has His own unique and precious journey for him and you.

    Blessings to you,

  3. Your in my thoughts and prayers everyday! Your a true witness of the faith that speaks volumes to those around you!

  4. Thank you, Elizabeth. Jedi is already a blessing to so many in ways unimaginable. And, you - with your words, wisdom, & honesty are also an exquisite blessing, especially to other mothers, like me. ((hugs))

  5. i'm humbled ladies- i only wrote this in hopes of being able to get back to sleep in the middle of the night. :)

  6. Thank you for keeping Jedi and allowing him this moment to be a witness to me in all his kicks and turns ;) and thank you for this blog!!!! Your introverted words speak louder and more profoundly than any extroverted act.
    Hope to give you two a hug soon :)

  7. Beautiful, Liz. So many times people take that red pen and slash all over God's work. It often takes courage to accept His will. As they say, courage is fear that has said its prayers. You have the faith and it gives you the courage, and you're a wonderful witness. xoxo

  8. You so eloquently put to words the truth of life, love, and where we find happiness in the middle of darkness. You are such an inspiration to live this life for God and nothing else! I praise God for the gift you are to me, especially in this time. It is amazing to see how God is touching His people through you and through Jedi's precious life. Keep being open to the Holy Spirit!

  9. Your words are more inspiring than you will ever know... You, your baby, and family are in our daily prayers...

  10. It's hard for some people to understand that precious gifts can be received from suffering. I know I have received so many from my loss. I agree with everything you've expressed. Thanks for sharing with us.

  11. I loved this statement:
    "The bottom line is this. God is the author of life. I am not going to presume to be his editor."

    It is so true!! It just really sums it all up!

    Thanks for sharing your heart and Jedi with us all!


  12. Prayers and love. May God's perfect plan unfold for you and your child and your family. Though I also ask, "Lord, if it be possible, let this child live to know the love of his family through their touch, their sound, their shining eyes."

  13. Elizabeth, I don't personally know you, but I know Dan Doherty who sent your photo around on facebook, for prayer. I am truly praying for you and your family to give you the strength through this path you are on. God knows everyone's plan and he places challenges to see what you do with them in your life. You will do something magical for Jedidiah and leave a lasting mark in this world for him. No matter how hard this may be for you and painful, don't be afraid to feel every emotion that comes with this territory. I am a mother of a loss, so I know how important that it is when you are going through something devistating; to not shy away from any moment that is presented to you. May the lord comfort and protect your family. Contact me if you need someone to talk with and lean on.

    Dana Wright

  14. Wow.... and today as you celebrate your sweet Jedidiah in your arms :)
    You can now see why carrying to term is the better choice! Thank you for sharing your Faithfilled Journey... your courage has and will inpsire others.

    How blessed you are that you heard that gently whisper of Gods Love in Jedidiah's development...How many more are blessed knowing and loving you, praying for you, your famiy and your sweet precious child.

    How many would not have come to prayer if a child is terminated, as its not announced typically far and wide. more of a quiet sorrow to consume those women and families. Your story shares there is a better choice :)

    You see Blessings Flow from these children if we allow God to use us to help Glorify his name.. and that you did...carrying his precious child to term.

    May God Bless you and your family..
    ThereseAnn, mom to Natalia, living with trisomy 13

  15. This is written so beautifully, thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share these bits of wisdom with my children in such a meaningful way. I wish anybody contemplating termination for any reason would read this with an open heart.

    I hope your family is forever uplifted through the prayers of St. Jedi. Thank you for this gift of words, you have touched so many and will continue to do so with this witness of true Christianity.

    Krista G


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