contemplating termination

the 40 days for life began yesterday. i find it a bit uncanny that it lines up closely with jedi's due date.
i remember as chris drove us home from the first diagnosis, i thought to myself, "i am sitting in a position where an abortion would be justified by most people." and yet, it was still not an option for me. i knew from witnessing the world around me- the experiences i've had, the people i have known- that terminating my child's life would only begin my problems, not end them.
a few things would happen. it would surely clean up, make more tidy and convenient, our situation from the outside. people wouldn't feel the need to worry for us, pray for us, help us out, be uncomfortable in our presence, etc. BUT, it would make it a whole lot more of a burden on just us two- chris and i. it would eat away at us from the inside like the most poisonous cancer. quiet, deadly, and swift. and i simply could not deal with that. i couldn't end a life that is the product of the love between chris and i.
another thing that would happen is that i would miss seeing and feeling just how many friends i have out there. when my sister regina's twins were struggling with pertusis at less than a month old i saw people coming out of the woodwork for her- doing things left and right and i thought- "wow, she has SO many friends! i hope nothing ever happens to our family, bc i'm not as extroverted as she is and i don't have nearly as many friends". but i was wrong. despite my introversion i have plenty! people i don't even know are exhibiting such care and compassion. i am deeply touched and i wouldn't ever know about how people care so much for us if i had "taken care" of jedi so many weeks ago.
one other thing that we would miss out on is that we wouldn't have this priceless chance to show just how unconditional our love is for our children. that no matter what- we will accept them and love them. they may not be perfect, and life may be uncertain at times and may cause us stress, but we will love them through the imperfection and the stress- because there is just not another alternative in this family.
the bottom line is this. God is the author of life. i am not going to presume to be his editor. i don't follow him with a red pen slashing through things i think shouldn't be there. every word he pens into existence is worthy of it's spot on the page. we can try to put human reasons to another's existence, but God's reasonings are so beyond the scope of our tiny brains and we cannot hope to understand them fully, at least not here and not now.