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Saturday, December 11, 2010

the joy and the pain

i haven't blogged very much recently. i've thought about why and agonized over it.
on one hand i need you all's prayers.
on the other, i don't want to scare anyone.
the grief i'm feeling can be overwhelming at times. overwhelming-and nasty- and messy- and i'm scared that if i blog openly about it i may cause a future mom to make a decision she may forever regret.
i think my 8 year old son max could sum it up perfectly.
we were sharing thoughts about the first joyful mystery. my thought was- "i bet mary was scared. i mean, gabriel said 'be not afraid'. why did he say that? she must have looked scared. she must have been confused. but the important part is- through her fright and confusion- she said 'yes'- 'be it done to me according to thy word'."
then i told them, "daddy and i were scared. and confused. but we said yes. let's pray for women out there- women who are scared and confused and want to say yes but feel like they can't."
then max said, "but if they said 'no' they would just have the sadness and not have the good times."
amen max, amen.
thank you God- for sheltering me through so i could experience the good times.
thank you for my parents- who raised me to never ask "why me?" and always ask "why NOT me?"


  1. Never fear... You are still in my daily thoughts and prayers. :)
    Although I haven't ever gone through anything quite so difficult, your blog keeps me asking myself, "Why NOT me?" I don't know if it's wrong or right, but I often wonder if God doesn't think I could handle anything so difficult... The pain of your loss and the sudden deployment of Fr K this year are about the most difficult things I am able to handle right now... :/ ~Thank you again for sharing your posts that are always thought provoking and your family pics that are such an inspiration!

  2. Lizzy,
    Your pain, is real pain, and although I understand your hesitation, I do think the world needs know that these trials will come and we can endure them through Christ who sustains us. Even in those nasty thoughts and messy tears, God shows us this is true love. Love is pain, and mess, and joy and happiness - true love is all of these emotions wrapped up in one human heart. Our Lord loved us so much that He felt all of these emotions too. He did this for you Liz so He could truly say to you right now......Be not afraid, I go before you ALWAYS.

    Although I have not walked where the Lord has taken you, I am here to give you a walking stick when you need one. My dear friend, my heart both hurts for you and at the same time rejoices for you in the blessing of your beautiful baby boy, a boy who changed the world in 13 days.

    In pace Christi,

  3. Elizabeth, I think about you and your family often. I wish you all the best!

  4. I agree with Kari. I have thought a lot about this since you first mentioned it. You set out to share your journey down this road. This is all part of working through the grieving process. If you 'skip' showing the 'messy stuff', it may hit someone who has followed in your footsteps unawares. They may feel that it is 'wrong' or 'not normal' to feel that way. It can make it more difficult for them because they did not see that/how one can come out the other side. We know that you will travel through this dark valley, under the care of the Shepherd. Your courage, your faith, your perseverance through it is inspiring to those of us who must muddle through the fears, the doubts, and the struggle to keep on going.

  5. Thank you for blogging! So many in the world want the quick and happy and easy road, but they forget that the road we long to follow is the road that Christ took, that towards the cross. Many think that there should be no suffering, but it is with this suffering that comes the joy. Without it how could there be a reserection? Know that Mary is beside you. She is one who knows this road upon which you travel. She has been there and has seen not only the rising of her son, but has continued the journey into heaven to be with him. Walk with her...

  6. I can relate to what you are saying here, but what I was thinking when I read this comment above: "If you 'skip' showing the 'messy stuff', it may hit someone who has followed in your footsteps unawares. They may feel that it is 'wrong' or 'not normal' to feel that way. It can make it more difficult for them because they did not see that/how one can come out the other side." is that I have known a few moms (through blogs) who have lost babies with trisomy 18 and 13, and now I draw the most comfort from what I've read written by those who didn't seem to "breeze" through their grieving, who opening shared struggles. I'm not so good at it myself, but if you can, I think it will be a comfort and a help to some others. I don't know what is the right thing - I do share your worry over causing anyone to think the grief of loss is so unbearable that she thinks of abortion as a better choice to "avoid" facing grief through not choosing to allow their baby to live out his/her life.

    I think your video of the kids coloring the casket is the most beautiful thing I've seen in awhile. What an excellent way to help them honor Jedidiah. And your Christmas stocking and his sister's idea of writing notes is great.


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