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Saturday, December 4, 2010

the balloon on the ceiling

it's there every morning i wake up. it came free from it's string
soon after we brought jedi home an has been on the ceiling since. he
used to like to look at it up there. part of me wants to retrieve it
and take it outside and set it free. but with all the vanishing
evidence of jedi- i kind of want to keep it around.
wednesday night i met up with the father of a newborn that was in need
of milk. i handed him a bag full of litle frozen milk packets. i
didn't think it would be hard- and it wasn't, but it was another
physical reminder of our bond- gone. i got the sweetest message from
the baby's mother- along with a picture- it lifted my spirits to be

i am trying to get back in shape. but part of me feels guilty for
trying to burn off his babyweight. this is a whole new world of
mother's guilt that i am feeling.
if i am having a good day and something makes me laugh- i feel bad for
having a good day.
these thoughts are only there for a split second before i banish them-
but they still occur often enough.


  1. Please don't feel guilty for trying to get back in shape. Jedi wants you to be healthy so you can better take care of his brothers and sisters!

  2. Such NORMAL emotions you are feeling. "Am I allowed to be happy in the midst of sadness?"
    Praying for you and your family...

  3. Your pain at this time is natural because your sweet Jedidiah died. Your laughter at this time is natural because your conscience is clear; you chose life for Baby Jedidiah. Thank you for your example of tender motherly love. Sending hugs, Rose

  4. These feelings sound so normal. We are still praying for you, Elizabeth.

    I've prayed for St. Jedidiah's intercession already w/ our new baby because he's had a cough/cold that sounds quite painful.

  5. A friend of my ex-boyfriend (a blessing from him at least)had an infant daughter die of SIMS. For six months she pumped her milk to feed a baby of a neighbor who had post-partum depression. She, also a woman of faith, said it was (next to the Lord) the best thing she did to heal. Perhaps, this is something you can do? You mentioned donating some. If you haven't completley weened yourself you may be able to begin making milk again. It will also help you get back in shape. If not, and this sounds nuts but it worked with my aunt who had to stop nursing abruptly,--put a generous piece of fresh cabbage directly against your breast. Whatever you do, I hope that you find God's peace. I lost a baby and I hope he/she is playing with your Jedi now,he sounds like the type of child I would have wanted mine to have as a friend (or husband) on this earth just by the way I know that you and your husband would have raised him. I pray for you. And I imagine many are asking Jedi for assistance, or for the assistance he has granted without us realizing!

  6. Also, please, please get in touch with Angela Holmes (the mother of Mary Grace- "my niece") who died of Trisomy.
    Angela and I have been friends since childhood is my spiritual hero. She can help you through your journey because she's been there. Her prescense is a blessing. And being in her prescense is peaceful. She lives between here and Atlanta--and her mother is a woman of deep faith too. I imagine that you all would love to meet and it would be helpful-I promise. She feels me with hope. The church may not recognize it (yet) but she's a saint on Earth. Her friends truly stand in awe of her, she was always a guiding light but since February 2008 she has truly become a beacon of light and "grace." Her daughter would LOVE playing with your children too. Prayers-Hilary

  7. And the ballon will come down when Jedi and God decide it should!


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