Infant of prague novena

through a series of uncanny and coincidental events and happenings i have felt called to intrust jedi to the Infant of prague.
i just did a search online for the Infant of prague novena and it turns out that it's a novena to be said every hour for nine consecutive hours. so i begin this today- asking for the grace to be the best mom for jedi i know how to be and asking for the gift of days for jedi-so his uncle can look into his eyes and feel the quiet strength of God.

INFANT JESUS OF PRAGUE NOVENA PRAYER

O Jesus, Who has said, "Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened," through the intercession of Mary, Your Most Holy Mother, I knock, I seek, I ask that my prayer be granted.
(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who has said, "All that you ask of the Father in My Name, He will grant you," through the intercession of Mary Your Most Holy Mother, I humbly and urgently ask your Father in your name that my prayer will be granted.
(Make your request)

O Jesus, Who has said, "Heaven and earth shall pass away but My word shall not pass away," through the intercession of Mary Your Most Holy Mother, I feel confident that my prayer will be granted.
(Make your request)

This novena is to be said each hour on the hour for 9 hours

the baptism

in preperation for baptism- jedi's uncle father joseph blessing the water, outside the labor and delivery room.
father jack- our parish pastor up at saint monica's concelebrating

i love this picture- father joseph's stole laying it on jedi's head.







towards the end of the baptism, his color GREATLY improved, he opened his eyes for the first of many times.

God- thank you for your immense generosity- showing us your love through this, the smallest gift- of jedidiah joseph.

the image i was looking for

this is the image i was looking for. it's in an old classic early childhood catechism book
called "my Jesus and i"

"I thirst"

the third day of the mother teresa novena really grabbed me.
i think it sums up what i've been feeling over the past week. i just feel so cherished, so loved, so special. i've started walking in the evenings now that the weather is nicer and just getting outside and permitting myself to be aware of all that is present- it really has helped me to feel grounded. it's quiet time spent with God. i don't say anything- He doesn't say anything. but i feel His and He is mine.
one thing that has come out of this journey is a deeper feeling of being loved by Him.
and i wouldn't change that in a million years. i wouldn't go back and choose to avoid this whole situation if i could.
He was not content to leave me living a comfortable american life. a life where true suffering is few and far between and where my reliance on Him was shallow rooted. He thirsts for me! can you believe it?
He wants me to enter deeper into this relationship with Him, that would require me relying on Him more, me communicating with Him more.
i feel so small and unworthy- but He thirsts for my small unworthiness.
and who am i to argue?

post dates

i just read a bit of an article posted on midwifery today- an online journal.

Postdates, by itself, is not associated with poor pregnancy outcome. Extreme postdates or postdates in conjunction with poor fetal growth or developmental abnormalities does show an increased risk of stillbirth. But if growth restriction and birth defects are removed, there is no statistical increase in risk until a pregnancy reaches 42 weeks and no significant risk until past 43 weeks. The primary “evidence” of a sharp rise in stillbirth after 40 weeks—often misquoted as “double at 42 weeks and triple at 43 weeks”—seems to come from one study based on data collected in 1958

i'm getting more and more anxious to meet him every day. but somewhere deep inside me still says "all in God's time".

first day of blessed teresa novena

know the living Jesus

"do you really know the living Jesus- not from books but from being with Him in you heart?"

"am i convinced of Christ's love for me and mine for Him? this conviction is the rock on which sanctity is built. what must we do to get this conviction? we must know Jesus, love Jesus, serve Jesus. knowledge will make you strong as death. we know Jesus through faith: by medidtating on His Word in the scriptures, by listening to Him speak through His Church, and through the intimate union of prayer."

"seek Him in the tabernacle. fix your eyes on Him who is the Light. Bring your hearts close to His Divine Heart and ask Him to grant you the grace of knowing Him."

thought for the day

"don't search for Jesus in far lands; He is not there. He is close to you; He is in you."

ask for the grace of an intimate knowledge of Jesus. Recite the novena prayer to blessed teresa.

blessed teresa novena prayer

blessed teresa of calcutta,
you allowed the thirsting love of Jesus on the cross to become a living flame within you, and so became the light of His love to all. obtain from the Heart of Jesus...
(here make your request).
teach me to allow Jesus to penetrate and possess my whole being so completely that my life, to, may radiate His light and love to others.
amen.

building a bridge

i have been reading the time magazine dedicated to mother teresa's 100th year birthday. i think the next to last article was the best- for me anyway.
it was all about the letters of hers that were released a few years ago. they were published in a book called "come be my light". the letters were from her to her confessor and possibly some other priests. she expressed doubt. she felt like God wasn't with her. she felt alone, abandoned. the article talked about how Jesus must have felt this way in the garden of gethsemane the night before his passion.
so, it was soothing to hear that doubt happens. it's not a sign of spiritual weakness, distance from God, or abandonment. God was closer to Jesus in the garden, and mother teresa in the hovels of calcutta than he was at any other time. it's what i do with the doubt that is important. will i let it consume me? control me? become me? or will i calmly keep putting one foot in front of the other and answer with love?
this week will be all about building bridges and getting over my doubt and anxiety.
-i need to pack a bag for the hospital(not alone- but with a friend).
-i need to pick a spot where jedi will be laid to rest when he goes home(already got the cemetery, just need to figure out where within it).
-i need to get together with my doula, photographer, and doctor(not all at the same time), and start making solid plans(more like a flow chart/birthplan).

quote from biography of blessed margaret of castello

i was reading the biography of blessed margaret of castello last night to the kids and came across this beautiful passage...
to give some background, margaret was born of royalty. she lived in a mountain fort with them and their serfs, lords, ladies, etc. she was very friendly and visited the soldiers wives almost daily. some of them became close to her- so when she was six and was put into a cell(much like rapunzel- but for different reasons) the wives reacted in different ways. here's a meeting between the serfdom's priest, a soldier(second in command), and his wife.

"isn't it strange how few of us Christians really put into practice what our Faith teaches us?"
"why, what do you mean- put into practice-?
"Well," replied the priest, "our Faith teaches that God created us to love Him, and in that love to find eternal and perfect happiness. My greatest aim then, in a life filled with all kinds of obstacles and distractions, should be to develop to the highest degree my love of God. To do this, I do not need eyesight, or a normal body, or the love and affection of my fellow man- agreeable and pleasant as all these things are."
The priest was staring at the burning logs of the hearth and seemed to be speaking to himself, rather than to his friends.
"now, little margaret understands this very clearly. and she also knows that one of the most efficacious ways in which love can be deepended, strengthened, purified, is by suffering. our savior taught us that the royal road to perfect love is the Cross. evereyone has noticed how contented and cheerful margaret has always been; the reason is that she regards her handicaps and deformities as being merely the means whereby she can more surely reach her God."

mary jane and mother teresa

mary jane made a little bed for jedidiah one night about a week ago. she announced that she was going to sleep next to him. she put it on the other side of the big bed and even moved her blanket and pillow over next to the little makeshift bed. i told her she should just stay in my bed, because she is pretty close to him already right there, since he sleeps in my tummy. she moved her blanket and pillow back and talked to him before she fell asleep.
mary jane has had a childlike devotion to mother teresa since all saints' day 2009 when she dressed as her for our homeschool group's all saints' day party. it was cemented further when we made a trip to visit the missionaries of charity at their AIDS hospice in virginia highlands. and during this pregnancy i've really felt a closeness with mother teresa. she loved the "poorest of the poor"- society's outcasts- those with physical disabilities. we made a recent trip down to visit them on august 26th 2010- mother teresa's 100th birthday. they gave me a relic of mother teresa that i carry in my wallet- a piece of her white sari. also a miraculous medal blessed by her back in 1995.

well, the next night I felt like my heart was going to break for mary jane. she’s SO very attached to him that i felt i had to remind her of what may happen with him. so, as she sat next to me on the couch i reminded her that we may have to say goodbye to jedidiah soon after he is born. we will get to hold him for a bit, then we have to let him go…but then, the greatest thing will happen. then he will fly to heaven and mother teresa can hold him.
she looked up and said, “me?”
“no, the REAL mother teresa, the one in the book we read at night. she lives in heaven with Jesus and she is really GOOD at holding babies. i think she will LOVE jedidiah. and jedidiah will like her too.”
“we should make a mother Teresa blanket for jedidiah!”
then she pulled up my shirt to look at my tummy. she squinted one eye, and brought the open eye really close to my now large belly button.
"hi jedidiah!" she said. and then pulled my shirt back down and went back to playing.

talking with the kids

we were saying a belly-rubbing rosary a couple of nights ago when, in the middle of the 4th and 5th mysteries, and after we said our special prayer for jedidiah, samantha asks “what does ‘thy will be done’ mean?”
“it means that we are voicing our desire for God’s desire to happen. we want what God wants. even if it is the hardest thing. God could ask jedidiah to come to Him tonight. He could work a miracle and allow him to live for ten years! we don’t know what God’s will is but whatever happens, God is looking out for us and it’s for the best.”
after this, the kids started flooding the room with wants and desires.
samantha-“i want him to be born alive. i want to hold him while he’s alive.”
me- from the very bottom of my heart, “i do too.”
samantha- with her eyes open wide “that means EVERY kick is a miracle.”
henry- “i wish this was all a fraud.”
george- “i wish God would work a meow-uh-cull and jedidiah would live LONGER than ten years.”
max remained silent but i knew his thoughts ran deep. i’ll have to have a one on one conversation with him if i ever want to know them. maybe a date with mommy is in order.

boring times

i can't sleep- again.
i keep thinking about job and his choices. he's my favorite old testament book to read when crap hits the fan. when my life feels like it's unraveling.
5 or 6 years ago january i decided to adopt job's attitude toward life. whenever inconvenient things happened i decided i would "praise God" for the moment. i figured in doing this, i would trick myself into actually believing on a deeper level that these moments were crafted by God to make me a better person.
it wasn't easy at first. my first reaction was more caustic, but after a while, "praise God" became a little easier and a little more second nature.
it must have been january because my first outside use of the practice was after the pro-life march. my big brother, fr. kevin got a flat tire while driving my family back from the pro-life march in down town atlanta. he was driving the blessed trinity high school van/bus and i decided i'd carpool with him. he took a corner too tight and busted one of the back right wheels(there were two of them). i blurted out, "praise God".
"WHAT?!?!" he exclaimed.
as he limped the van/bus to the nearest free place i thought that it would've been wiser, in this situation, to keep my new found practice to myself. and even as i said it, i felt like it didn't fit. i didn't believe my own words.
we found a parking lot and parked the van/bus. the kids got out as fr. kevin called for a tire company to come fix the flat. we all sat in the parking lot, coming up with games to entertain the kids. stacking rocks, tossing them, spotting helicopters, counting cars, whatever we could think of.
as fr. kevin begins his second and more dangerous deployment my mind goes back to that time.
it reminds me of the part in the pixar movie UP when russel tells karl that he enjoys the boring times with his dad. the times that aren't hyperscheduled, the times that just happen.
i know fr kevin's mind must have been frazzled, but the time we spent in that parking lot on the corner of spring and 17th is now a fond memory. i now believe my own words of praise for that moment. how's that for twisting a bad situation into a good one?
so, now, with jedidiah, i wonder how God is going to twist this. first it's my job(pun, heh heh). first i must "praise God", even though it may feel like a foreign language and i may only mouth it.
i wonder how the kids will look back on this. how will i? how will chris?
we have simplified our lives- no scouts, no homeschool co-op, no sports. will they look back on this "boring" family-centric time and love it?
i hope so. this thought helps me to unfrazzle my brain, so that i can make some room to store the memories of this time.

whether we live or die, aslan is our lord

a comment elicited by my recent post on anger really has helped me in the last few days. it has really boiled the whole situation down and all that remains is the big picture.

laura said:

You don't know what your delivery will look like or is in store for Jedidiah BUT you do know that God loves you and will take care of you, Jedidiah, Chris and all of your beautiful children just as he does everyday

His love. that's all that matters. and any time over the past few days that i have experienced a feeling of doubt, of question, of anxiety, it all disintigrates with just a self reminder of His all encompassing love.
it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from narnia. in the silver chair after jill pole and eustace scrubb free the prince from the enchanted silver chair, they are faced with taking on the army of an evil sorceress. as they peer out the window at their doom and worry aloud, the prince comforts them all with one line-
"whether we live or die, aslan is still our lord."
so that is the big picture. that is what matters most. not how much we have accomplished or what circles we run in. not the amount we have in the bank account or what luxury items we own. and not how long our lives are.

john michael talbot

"the lord protects the simple ones.
i was helpless, so he saved me.
the lord protects the simple ones,
how precious is the lord!"

need help finding an image

first of all this is a really really poor depiction of a beautiful image my mind keeps going to.

i have seen this picture in a prayer book. i don't know which one. but i really like it and want to know how i can find it. i've tried google images but nothing.
i wonder if anyone out there is gifted in searching could help.
i feel like it would be a nice image to have on a prayer card for jedidiah.

the hardest part

today the words from a hymn spoke to me.
"eye has not seen, ear has not heard, what God has ready for those who love Him."
i really like that thought. i started thinking about how it's not the letting go that will be hard for me. it's the living everyday without. coming to church without the baby. going to the store without the baby. having empty arms, empty beds, empty slings- that's going to be hard. i just put myself in the Father's hands and told Him, "this will be what is hard for me. I trust that you will give me the grace to get through it- the peace that surpasses all understanding. a peace that confounds me- a peace i don't understand, nor need to."
after mass i checked facebook and "become a spiritual child of st. padre pio"'s status update said...

Hand
over to Him your departure and the departure of others from this earth -
when, where, and as He wills. St. Padre Pio