gender reveal party- throw back post

i was looking through some old photos and found one from the party we threw to share the news of jedi's gender.

we had names picked out. if he was a girl we'd have named him charlotte rose. i think we found out at the third ultrasound-the one we got when we were staying on the lakehouse with the family this past june.

wtih our youngest four babies we didn't find out what gender they were until they were born. it was just SO much fun- like unwrapping a Christmas present(that you haven't peeked in at) on Christmas morning. such excitement, anticipation, dreaming, guessing, plotting.

anyway- with this baby it was going to be different. i felt the need to find out so the kids could grow to know this sibling that was not going to be with us long.

so at the ultrasound we asked the sonographer to write the gender on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope. that weekend i took the envelope to the bakery and gave it to the lady behind the counter. i asked for a plain brown chocolate cake with question marks in dark chocolate decorated on the outside. then the middle layer was going to be the newsbreaking part. if the paper said 'girl' she was to use pink icing. if it said 'boy' she was to use blue. i wanted NO pink or blue icing on the outside. at this point nobody knew what the paper said except for the sonographer. the lady at the bakery carefully and excitedly wrote down all the special directions. she looked at the schedule and was relieved that her mom was on shift the next day and she would be careful to inform her that night at home- just in case. that night i cried in my room at the lakehouse. everyone else was SO excited about finding out. i just kept thinking "well, soon i will know if it's a boy or a girl that i'm going to have to say goodbye to." i talked with tracy from be not afraid on the phone as i sat by the pool. she told me how very special this party was going to be. how alot of trisomy babies in heaven have sad sad stories to share. stories about how their mom & dad chose to abort them. but jedi will have this special story to share. how his parents chose to throw him a party and eat cake. after the talk with tracy i was in a better place.

so on sunday my father-in-law picked up the cake at the bakery and brought it back to the lakehouse. we all eagerly awaited the news.

when i first sliced into the cake, the knife came out blue! it's a boy! we all cheered. the kids gobbled up the cake in no time. jedidiah joseph. our boy.


and- i was right. i felt he was a boy all along. that is why the week before memorial day- the week before our first ultrasound) i went to the craft store and bought cornflower blue cotton yarn. at the lakehouse the blanket lay halfway finished. here is a pic i took of the blanket after we ate cake.

ready or not?

i wouldn't say i'm ready. i'm just sick of the anticipation. labor can begin at any moment. i kind of feel like it's the beginning of the end of this part of my life. i will no longer be carrying jedi in my womb. and while the beginning of labor means something entirely different in a normal pregnancy, in this one it's not the same.
it's almost like i don't want to be caught off guard. i am analyzing symptoms and reading into signs and such and i'm exhausted. i wish i could just go through my last days being pregnant like nothing earth shattering was imminent.
so i'm not ready for labor. but i am ready to be done with the emotional anticipation of the event.

my birth history

we are only a few days away from jedi's due date. i've been thinking about the other children's births and wondering how his will be different- how will it be the same?
henry was two weeks late. i was a first time mom. the doctors told me "nothing good happens after 42 weeks." so i agreed to an induction that evening when my doctor was going to be on call.
samantha was almost two weeks late. they did an ultrasound and found out that her fluid was low. i was sent to the hospital for an induction after the appointment.
max was two weeks late. they did an ultrasound at my 42 week appointment and diagnosed him as "a big baby". i went home to get stuff together and then went into the hospital for an induction. he ended up being 10 lbs 4 oz and 23 inches.
with george i was treated to going into labor naturally at home at 41 weeks 1 day. his was a beautiful waterbirth surrounded by wonderful support.
with mary jane i had a c-section for placenta previa at 39 weeks.
with frances my water broke at 37 weeks and no labor followed. i went into the hospital 24 hours later and induction began. she was born 56 hours after waters broke.

how will labor begin with jedi? i have only experienced a natural beginning to labor once. i would really LOVE to go into labor quietly at home with my family. there is something terrifying about humans taking birth initiation into their own hands. and something so divine about getting the sign of labor out of the blue.
my contractions aren't close to the stuff of labor. they are quaint little tightenings that linger for a brief time- not long enough to change anything major.

false labor

thursday night i had a pick-up of a different type of contractions. they had a bit of an edge. they were timeable and i started to worry. i had just that day finished all my school work for the rest of the semester- all but quizzes and finals of course. well, it occured to me that i had a spanish quiz waiting to be taken. so, since i was up timing these edgy contractions, i decided time would be better spent taking this quiz. halfway through the quiz- at about 3:30 AM, mary jane awoke with a cough- a croupy cough.
i gave her a breathing treatment and tucked her into bed. i moved franky from her position by the open window over to a warmer position next to chris. when she rolled over i could detect the tight breath of croup in her as well. i think at this point all contractions ceased. i finished the quiz and came to bed soon after. george awoke friday morning with the same barky cough and hoarse voice.
i'm pretty sure my body shut off all attempts at labor so that i could tend to the sicklings. i was expecting a pick-up in the contractions friday evening- that's how george's labor went. so i took a big break friday. we kept it simple and loungy- watching inordinate amounts of pbs kids shows in our pjs.
i think we are wrapping up the croup. franky and mj are acting healthier. fevers are gone. cough is looser.
but i am SO comfortable being pregnant for a bit longer. the nice weather gets me walking outside and just taking those deep satisfied breaths. looking around at the swaying trees and listening to the distant sounds of children freed from their homes. i'm soaking it all in- enjoying having jedi reside for another day tucked away in my womb. enjoying his stretches, his hiccups, his punches.

kick counts

i know from past experience that baby movements slow down in the last month. i tell myself this more times a day than i can count. all during august and september he was a tumbling tornado. but since we've hit october he's mellowed out alot. it does cause me to stop and sit and will him to move. i feel like if i want it bad enough- he'll know and he'll give me a little jab. but sometimes the minutes and hours tick by with no update. my mouth gets dry. my concentration wanes. my thoughts turn to preparing for the absolute worst.
i used to believe that i could easily make it to 42 weeks before i felt the need get induced. but on the long nights when i can't sleep and i can't feel the familiar flutter- i'm tempted to request an induction before then. the chances of him being born alive seem to be greater then.
but- if anything- this journey has taught me that i control nothing. that the cliche cross stitched pillow saying "let go and let God" is right on. jedidiah came to us by natural means. he will be born by natural means and we will say goodbye to him and let him go by natural means.
my whole heart aches with the prayer that i will be given some time with him to enjoy his warmth- but God's plan is the masterplan. and there is something bigger at work than just me and my desires- no matter how earth shattering they may feel to little me.

if wishes were horses

we'd have an entire paddock full in our back yard.
a few mornings ago i lay in bed, palpating jedi. i like to see or guess at how he's lying. it seems he likes to be horizontal. so in the morning he's head/tail up/down. but during the day he's head/tail side/side.
chris was getting ready for work and i was struggling with thoughts.
"i don't want to go into labor", i finally said. would it be too much to ask to be pregnant through Christmas?
"you have to go into labor eventually."
"well, i don't want to. i'm not ready. i don't think i ever will be." i've never felt like this. by about 35 weeks i am usually groaning about how this pregnancy could last 5-7 more weeks. and with me, it's more like 7 more weeks.
well, i am groaning. but it's immediately checked when i imagine just how it could end. the complaining about how there is no seat comfortable enough, no item of clothing comfortable enough, no flipping over in bed easy enough- they kind of just get squelched in my mind and turn sour. i have him NOW. he's happy NOW. he's alive NOW. later, there are just a bunch of questions.
"if it makes you feel any better, i'm not ready for you to go into labor either."

anatomy and physiology

i have lab tonight. in each of my last two labs we have touched on topics that come close to home. at lab last wednesday we talked about mitosis and DNA replication, chromosomes, etc. i kept thinking of jedidiah's first moments. how he was dealt a different hand than most of the rest of us. how he must have struggled during those first weeks. he desired life. he fought. he already has a will like his father.
i spoke with a friend this past weekend of an episode of braxton hicks contractions i had earlier in this pregnancy. it came during a weekend so i could afford to lay down and take it easy for a few days. i'm not accustomed to having braxton hicks contractions at 14-15 weeks so it worried me a bit.
but then...
everything about this pregnancy has been weird, from the very beginning.
i was more sick and more tired. i was swelling early on- like at 8 weeks- which is not normal for me. i didn't feel movement until after 19 weeks i think- which is really late for a seasoned mom such as myself.
so i sit here, schooling the kids, browsing over my lab book in the process. looking for anything that might require some strength on my part- just a heads up for my heart. but cell transport and permeability don't sound too hard to handle, so i think i'll be ok.

in touch with reality

i can't sleep. for awhile i laid in bed and enjoyed being kicked by jedi.
but then my thoughts went back to our second ultrasound with maternal fetal specialists. our perinatologist, doctor koontz, is an attractive slim blonde woman and is professional, but very worldly. i think it's protocol at most places to offer termination as an option in cases such as ours.
so, back in june while we were at the lakehouse with family, chris and i ducked out for our appointment with dr. koontz. i had a list of questions to ask posted on my phone so i wouldn't forget. they were things like,
-how is the fluid (most trisomy babies come with alot of amniotic fluid)
-how is the brain(last ultrasound was inconclusive)
-how is the heart (again, last ultrasound was inconclusive)
-what does the baby's face look like(i wanted to prepare- the pictures of holoprosencephaly babies online are pretty drastic.)
and finally
-what about the feet and hands?(typically babies with tri13 have skin tag fingers, club foot, rocker bottom foot, etc.)

this list wasn't in order of importance. they were all important to me. these are things i just wanted to know.
so- after the sonographer left, doctor koontz began to tell us what she saw.
this is when we got the news of the devastating holoprosencephaly and tetrology of fallot- both things that i needed to google to begin to understand. so, after telling us these findings and again suggesting the amnio i went to my list of questions and began asking. she handled each question very professionally, i felt, until the last one.
the way she handled the last question completely baffled me.
"also, could we see the hands and the feet?"
she looked at me with a pained look- like compassion in a citrus juicer.
"that's really not important. what i mean is, there are enough other findings that make our diagnosis accurate, that the hands and the feet just don't need to be assessed."
"ok. but i just want to look at them."
she grabbed the wand and almost begrudgingly obliged. all the while pointing out what was wrong.
she then proceeded to encourage me to get a second opinion.
"there are other maternal fetal specialist in atlanta. or perhaps you'd like to travel to another state for a second opinion- there are other mfs offices in other states."
confusing. i just nodded and wondered why she was telling me all these things.
we were almost back to the lakehouse when i asked chris what that was all about.
why was she encouraging second opinions?
"she think's you don't believe her. she doesn't think you are in touch with reality"
my indignation was swept away in a flood of angry hot tears. i don't believe her???
i felt that she expected a different reaction from us. maybe she expected me to melt into a puddle of tears and beg for an abortion. maybe she took our declining an amnio as us burying our heads farther under the sand. maybe she expected chris to be angry and storm out of the room. instead she was faced with concerned parents who were just wanting to take a peak at their baby. to soak in the hands, feet, and face, knowing that these glimpses could be one of a very few that we get of our sweet babe.
i wanted to drive back to that office and tell her just how in touch with reality i was. i wanted to say "i am knitting a blanket that very likely will be my son's death shroud, and all i wanted to see were the hands and feet!"
i have an appointment with them on wednesday that i am highly considering canceling. the last appointment with her went alright. i just don't think i can summon the energy to handle these ultrasounds anymore.

why can't i choose a care provider?

i'm hesitating in making this decision. and i think it has something to do with me trying to freeze time. as if pregnancies only progress toward their end when a care provider has been picked.
another part of me not choosing a care provider is i feel like i'll hurt people's feelings if i don't choose the care provider they think i should have.
the bottom line is- i need a care provider that i can trust. trust is my biggest issue. i don't necessarily need a care provider who is warm and fuzzy. i don't need a care provider that is knife happy or scared of delivering vaginally after a c-section. i don't want a care provider that i have to explain myself or my decisions to.
ideally i'd love to homebirth. but since chris is not on board with that option i need to find a care provider that delivers at either northside atlanta or emory midtown.
why is this so hard?

you aren't the only one

in an effort to reach out to other moms experiencing a trisomy13 pregnancy, i will share thoughts i've had- thoughts i am not proud of but i have a feeling may be normal. i had felt some shame in having these thoughts- i don't entertain them very long because i feel they come from a dark place- but the shame comes more from pride than from anywhere else.
these thoughts you may have- then again, i am a shallow vain person- so you may not have these thoughts at all.
one of the first thoughts i had- probably a day or so after the initial diagnosis- was one of relief. i felt i didn't have to care about what i ate, drank, did. that i didn't have to take prenatal vitamins anymore. i immediately felt sick about having this thought, and told myself, "if i have ANY hope of meeting this little one, i will be even more vigilant about my diet and care for myself.

another thought i've had is more of a vain thought. in every pregnancy i have an occassional worry about getting back into prepregnancy shape, or something similar.
i always can rely on breastfeeding and babywearing(things that i naturally gravitate towards anyway) to burn calories and shed pounds. this time around i have a little more occassional worry about getting back to prepregnancy shape without a newborn to help me. and will i want to take care of myself physically during an emotional time such as what i am facing?

if i have any other similar thoughts i will share. again, i am not proud of these, i just feel if i share them, you may feel more normal, or at least better about any thoughts you may be having.

the hardest part

today the words from a hymn spoke to me.
"eye has not seen, ear has not heard, what God has ready for those who love Him."
i really like that thought. i started thinking about how it's not the letting go that will be hard for me. it's the living everyday without. coming to church without the baby. going to the store without the baby. having empty arms, empty beds, empty slings- that's going to be hard. i just put myself in the Father's hands and told Him, "this will be what is hard for me. I trust that you will give me the grace to get through it- the peace that surpasses all understanding. a peace that confounds me- a peace i don't understand, nor need to."
after mass i checked facebook and "become a spiritual child of st. padre pio"'s status update said...

Hand
over to Him your departure and the departure of others from this earth -
when, where, and as He wills. St. Padre Pio

feeling bigger

on our recent trip to south dakota(mid july) i had an odd feeling that jedi wasn't growing fast enough. i kept thinking "i am 7 months and am actually comfortable in a car! something isn't right."
when we got to south dakota and i had a moment to myself, i laid down and felt for the top of my uterus. i knew that belly button height is 20 weeks, and that's just where i felt it. but at the time i was 25 weeks. i decided to check it again later, thinking he may just be laying weird.
it continued to lay right at my belly button. so at the next ultrasound(27 weeks) at the perinatologists, i asked for a measurement. the ultrasound tech must have had a list of things to capture, but before she started in on her checklist she measured the femur. in my personal ultrasound history my babies legs always measure 2 weeks ahead of their gestation. so, when she said "27 weeks" i wasn't completely relieved.
i waited for the ultrasound to finish before i asked what the total measurements told her. that's when she said "he's below fifth percentile".
so, i am now 28 weeks, and things are starting to get uncomfortable. this is such a weird pregnancy! where before i was cursing the inability to tie shoes, pick up toys, curl up on the couch, turn over in bed without it being a big production.
so, just based on mother's intuition, i think it's safe to say - he's growing!

hiccups

jedidiah had hiccups yesterday. with the other kids it was such a small milestone- that actually annoyed me at times. they would pick up just as i was falling asleep and seemed to last forever!
but i can't imagine thinking jedi's hiccups are annoying in the slightest.
life is a gift.

delivery

i sometimes think of what jedidiah's delivery will be like.
will it be natural?
will i need pitocin?
will it be hard?
will he be delivered alive?
will he have trouble?
will it be early?
will it be late?
will he be big enough to thrive?

there is one place where i just can't go. i have thought about it but i pray HARD that God in his mercy will spare me this decision.
in a discussion i had with a prospective care provider he suggested i get an amnio.
i felt i knew what i needed to know. i felt there was no use putting the kid under more difficulty so we could know beyond a reasonable doubt what was going on.
the reason he gave for suggesting the amnio was that he would be able to have this knowledge during labor. he said, "if the baby tanks, we would know not to go running to the OR for an emergency c-section."
i know plenty of people who are smart and generally considered compassionate and they all agree with him.
but as the mom- i have a REALLY hard time with this scenario. i don't think i could listen to the heartrate tank and tell everyone- "please sit on your hands. this baby is going to die anyway, let's just let it die inside me, ok?"

and then there is the alternative. i agree to a c-section. jedidiah is delivered and possibly only lives for moments. he meets his siblings and father, while i am looped out on drugs and don't remember a bit about him or the moments we shared. and i am left to mourn as i heal. the long hard road of c-section recovery mixed in with the long hard road of losing a baby.
so i pray. i pray hard that this decision doesn't come visiting me.