sharing

here is another time for confession.
i am not a baby passer. i'm selfish when it comes to my babies. it wasn't always this way. i was more than willing to pass my babies around- let perfect strangers hold them even. but after reading up on attachment theory and about how babies grow and thrive and are happier when they are with mom- more optimally so, when they are skin to skin.
with my last two they spent alot of their early weeks in a sling with me- both of us wearing one of daddy's button downs. beginning in the hospital, the pediatric nurse would come to check on the baby and would often find an empty bassinette.
"where's the baby????"
"she's under the hospital gown with me"
they eat better, breathe better, sleep better, eliminate better. plus they are just so soft, cute, and squishy- do i need anymore reason to keep them close?

but here is where it's hard this time. i feel like it would be nobel to share jedi- pass him around. but i don't want to(said in the most adult and diginified manor i can muster, and without a hint of a whine).
i just picture myself wanting to hold him indefinitely. like handing him off would be like severing my arm at my shoulder.
part of me believes that if he's left on my chest he'll live longer. he'll be more efficient with his oxygen, his heart rate will remain steady and strong, and his brain will not suffer any cortisol spikes.
i wonder if i'll ever be able to let him go. i pray that we are given alot of time. enough time that i'll be able to let go and let someone else feel his warmth and his wiggles.
i kind of detest myself for being so selfish. i hate that i feel this way.
my heart is so at odds with itself over this.

you aren't the only one

in an effort to reach out to other moms experiencing a trisomy13 pregnancy, i will share thoughts i've had- thoughts i am not proud of but i have a feeling may be normal. i had felt some shame in having these thoughts- i don't entertain them very long because i feel they come from a dark place- but the shame comes more from pride than from anywhere else.
these thoughts you may have- then again, i am a shallow vain person- so you may not have these thoughts at all.
one of the first thoughts i had- probably a day or so after the initial diagnosis- was one of relief. i felt i didn't have to care about what i ate, drank, did. that i didn't have to take prenatal vitamins anymore. i immediately felt sick about having this thought, and told myself, "if i have ANY hope of meeting this little one, i will be even more vigilant about my diet and care for myself.

another thought i've had is more of a vain thought. in every pregnancy i have an occassional worry about getting back into prepregnancy shape, or something similar.
i always can rely on breastfeeding and babywearing(things that i naturally gravitate towards anyway) to burn calories and shed pounds. this time around i have a little more occassional worry about getting back to prepregnancy shape without a newborn to help me. and will i want to take care of myself physically during an emotional time such as what i am facing?

if i have any other similar thoughts i will share. again, i am not proud of these, i just feel if i share them, you may feel more normal, or at least better about any thoughts you may be having.