gender reveal party- throw back post

i was looking through some old photos and found one from the party we threw to share the news of jedi's gender.

we had names picked out. if he was a girl we'd have named him charlotte rose. i think we found out at the third ultrasound-the one we got when we were staying on the lakehouse with the family this past june.

wtih our youngest four babies we didn't find out what gender they were until they were born. it was just SO much fun- like unwrapping a Christmas present(that you haven't peeked in at) on Christmas morning. such excitement, anticipation, dreaming, guessing, plotting.

anyway- with this baby it was going to be different. i felt the need to find out so the kids could grow to know this sibling that was not going to be with us long.

so at the ultrasound we asked the sonographer to write the gender on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope. that weekend i took the envelope to the bakery and gave it to the lady behind the counter. i asked for a plain brown chocolate cake with question marks in dark chocolate decorated on the outside. then the middle layer was going to be the newsbreaking part. if the paper said 'girl' she was to use pink icing. if it said 'boy' she was to use blue. i wanted NO pink or blue icing on the outside. at this point nobody knew what the paper said except for the sonographer. the lady at the bakery carefully and excitedly wrote down all the special directions. she looked at the schedule and was relieved that her mom was on shift the next day and she would be careful to inform her that night at home- just in case. that night i cried in my room at the lakehouse. everyone else was SO excited about finding out. i just kept thinking "well, soon i will know if it's a boy or a girl that i'm going to have to say goodbye to." i talked with tracy from be not afraid on the phone as i sat by the pool. she told me how very special this party was going to be. how alot of trisomy babies in heaven have sad sad stories to share. stories about how their mom & dad chose to abort them. but jedi will have this special story to share. how his parents chose to throw him a party and eat cake. after the talk with tracy i was in a better place.

so on sunday my father-in-law picked up the cake at the bakery and brought it back to the lakehouse. we all eagerly awaited the news.

when i first sliced into the cake, the knife came out blue! it's a boy! we all cheered. the kids gobbled up the cake in no time. jedidiah joseph. our boy.


and- i was right. i felt he was a boy all along. that is why the week before memorial day- the week before our first ultrasound) i went to the craft store and bought cornflower blue cotton yarn. at the lakehouse the blanket lay halfway finished. here is a pic i took of the blanket after we ate cake.

mary jane the midwife

mj's bed for jedidiah

she collected these items and built a little pallet at the foot of our bed. he has...
- a hooded towel for a blanket
- a soft sheepskin to sleep on
- a boppy for a pillow
- a babydoll to sleep with

she went on and on about him last night. the funniest thing she said was, "mommy is going to go to sleep and jedidiah is going to come out. then mommy is going to wake up and laugh."
when we woke up this morning the first thing she said was, "mommy, when are you going to take jedidiah to the doctor?"

sharing

here is another time for confession.
i am not a baby passer. i'm selfish when it comes to my babies. it wasn't always this way. i was more than willing to pass my babies around- let perfect strangers hold them even. but after reading up on attachment theory and about how babies grow and thrive and are happier when they are with mom- more optimally so, when they are skin to skin.
with my last two they spent alot of their early weeks in a sling with me- both of us wearing one of daddy's button downs. beginning in the hospital, the pediatric nurse would come to check on the baby and would often find an empty bassinette.
"where's the baby????"
"she's under the hospital gown with me"
they eat better, breathe better, sleep better, eliminate better. plus they are just so soft, cute, and squishy- do i need anymore reason to keep them close?

but here is where it's hard this time. i feel like it would be nobel to share jedi- pass him around. but i don't want to(said in the most adult and diginified manor i can muster, and without a hint of a whine).
i just picture myself wanting to hold him indefinitely. like handing him off would be like severing my arm at my shoulder.
part of me believes that if he's left on my chest he'll live longer. he'll be more efficient with his oxygen, his heart rate will remain steady and strong, and his brain will not suffer any cortisol spikes.
i wonder if i'll ever be able to let him go. i pray that we are given alot of time. enough time that i'll be able to let go and let someone else feel his warmth and his wiggles.
i kind of detest myself for being so selfish. i hate that i feel this way.
my heart is so at odds with itself over this.

intercession

sometime last week i thanked the kids for saying prayers for me during my anatomy&physiology midterm. for some strange reason i got a good grade. a grade i wasn't expecting in the least.
samantha looked at me and said, "mom, it's jedi joe. he's interceeding for you already."
suffice it to say, that gave me chills.

pictures from yesterday - 36 weeks

the boys and i.








jedi and his mommies.


standing in the shallows of the chattahoochee

36 weeks.

mary jane and mother teresa

mary jane made a little bed for jedidiah one night about a week ago. she announced that she was going to sleep next to him. she put it on the other side of the big bed and even moved her blanket and pillow over next to the little makeshift bed. i told her she should just stay in my bed, because she is pretty close to him already right there, since he sleeps in my tummy. she moved her blanket and pillow back and talked to him before she fell asleep.
mary jane has had a childlike devotion to mother teresa since all saints' day 2009 when she dressed as her for our homeschool group's all saints' day party. it was cemented further when we made a trip to visit the missionaries of charity at their AIDS hospice in virginia highlands. and during this pregnancy i've really felt a closeness with mother teresa. she loved the "poorest of the poor"- society's outcasts- those with physical disabilities. we made a recent trip down to visit them on august 26th 2010- mother teresa's 100th birthday. they gave me a relic of mother teresa that i carry in my wallet- a piece of her white sari. also a miraculous medal blessed by her back in 1995.

well, the next night I felt like my heart was going to break for mary jane. she’s SO very attached to him that i felt i had to remind her of what may happen with him. so, as she sat next to me on the couch i reminded her that we may have to say goodbye to jedidiah soon after he is born. we will get to hold him for a bit, then we have to let him go…but then, the greatest thing will happen. then he will fly to heaven and mother teresa can hold him.
she looked up and said, “me?”
“no, the REAL mother teresa, the one in the book we read at night. she lives in heaven with Jesus and she is really GOOD at holding babies. i think she will LOVE jedidiah. and jedidiah will like her too.”
“we should make a mother Teresa blanket for jedidiah!”
then she pulled up my shirt to look at my tummy. she squinted one eye, and brought the open eye really close to my now large belly button.
"hi jedidiah!" she said. and then pulled my shirt back down and went back to playing.

talking with the kids

we were saying a belly-rubbing rosary a couple of nights ago when, in the middle of the 4th and 5th mysteries, and after we said our special prayer for jedidiah, samantha asks “what does ‘thy will be done’ mean?”
“it means that we are voicing our desire for God’s desire to happen. we want what God wants. even if it is the hardest thing. God could ask jedidiah to come to Him tonight. He could work a miracle and allow him to live for ten years! we don’t know what God’s will is but whatever happens, God is looking out for us and it’s for the best.”
after this, the kids started flooding the room with wants and desires.
samantha-“i want him to be born alive. i want to hold him while he’s alive.”
me- from the very bottom of my heart, “i do too.”
samantha- with her eyes open wide “that means EVERY kick is a miracle.”
henry- “i wish this was all a fraud.”
george- “i wish God would work a meow-uh-cull and jedidiah would live LONGER than ten years.”
max remained silent but i knew his thoughts ran deep. i’ll have to have a one on one conversation with him if i ever want to know them. maybe a date with mommy is in order.

boring times

i can't sleep- again.
i keep thinking about job and his choices. he's my favorite old testament book to read when crap hits the fan. when my life feels like it's unraveling.
5 or 6 years ago january i decided to adopt job's attitude toward life. whenever inconvenient things happened i decided i would "praise God" for the moment. i figured in doing this, i would trick myself into actually believing on a deeper level that these moments were crafted by God to make me a better person.
it wasn't easy at first. my first reaction was more caustic, but after a while, "praise God" became a little easier and a little more second nature.
it must have been january because my first outside use of the practice was after the pro-life march. my big brother, fr. kevin got a flat tire while driving my family back from the pro-life march in down town atlanta. he was driving the blessed trinity high school van/bus and i decided i'd carpool with him. he took a corner too tight and busted one of the back right wheels(there were two of them). i blurted out, "praise God".
"WHAT?!?!" he exclaimed.
as he limped the van/bus to the nearest free place i thought that it would've been wiser, in this situation, to keep my new found practice to myself. and even as i said it, i felt like it didn't fit. i didn't believe my own words.
we found a parking lot and parked the van/bus. the kids got out as fr. kevin called for a tire company to come fix the flat. we all sat in the parking lot, coming up with games to entertain the kids. stacking rocks, tossing them, spotting helicopters, counting cars, whatever we could think of.
as fr. kevin begins his second and more dangerous deployment my mind goes back to that time.
it reminds me of the part in the pixar movie UP when russel tells karl that he enjoys the boring times with his dad. the times that aren't hyperscheduled, the times that just happen.
i know fr kevin's mind must have been frazzled, but the time we spent in that parking lot on the corner of spring and 17th is now a fond memory. i now believe my own words of praise for that moment. how's that for twisting a bad situation into a good one?
so, now, with jedidiah, i wonder how God is going to twist this. first it's my job(pun, heh heh). first i must "praise God", even though it may feel like a foreign language and i may only mouth it.
i wonder how the kids will look back on this. how will i? how will chris?
we have simplified our lives- no scouts, no homeschool co-op, no sports. will they look back on this "boring" family-centric time and love it?
i hope so. this thought helps me to unfrazzle my brain, so that i can make some room to store the memories of this time.

a sister's question

this morning mary jane announced that she, in fact, did NOT tee tee in bed.
high five.
then she pointed to my tummy and whispered, "did he tee tee in bed?"

family (bellyrubbing) rosaries

we are starting a new kind of family rosary in our house. using the belly rub that my friend maryann marshall gave me, the kids take turns massaging jedi in the womb while praying a decade each. we enjoyed this so much that the kids are begging to do this again tonight.
during max's decade, jedi gave him a swift kick(or punch). max's eyes lit up. max announced after the rosary that jedi liked him most.

the bellyrub consists of a collection of essential oils that maryann has learned support proper DNA function. it smells lemony and spicy and i LOVE it.