post dates

i just read a bit of an article posted on midwifery today- an online journal.

Postdates, by itself, is not associated with poor pregnancy outcome. Extreme postdates or postdates in conjunction with poor fetal growth or developmental abnormalities does show an increased risk of stillbirth. But if growth restriction and birth defects are removed, there is no statistical increase in risk until a pregnancy reaches 42 weeks and no significant risk until past 43 weeks. The primary “evidence” of a sharp rise in stillbirth after 40 weeks—often misquoted as “double at 42 weeks and triple at 43 weeks”—seems to come from one study based on data collected in 1958

i'm getting more and more anxious to meet him every day. but somewhere deep inside me still says "all in God's time".

weekly appointments now

and i have to say that my sister regina is an angel.
not only does she take ALL six of my kids in while i go to a three hour minimum appointment, but she homeschools them as well- at least when they remember their backpacks(ahem- henry- ahem).

i woke up sometime before 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. i kept thinking about how i needed to get school stuff ready and kids ready and in the car before 8:30 and don't forget breakfast and oh yeah, chris needs clothes ironed, and throw some clothes in the wash before i go, did i forget anything????

it was so cold last night and i had left the window open. after my shower i had a huge fit of shivers, chattering teeth, and whole body shakes. it couldn't have been just the cold room. it was so massive i felt like throwing up. like i was in late labor transition. i quickly jumped back in the shower and stayed there until i felt my body was warm enough to retain heat until i got dressed.
it had to be stress. there is no other explanation. i was so worried about the appointment.
after i dropped the kids off at regina's house with their schoolbooks, a large bowl of cut watermelon, a gallon of milk, and some granola, i headed on my way.
i went into chick-fil-a for a biscuit since the line was long and as i crossed the parkinglot i saw a car very similar to chris' car. my heart leapt and sunk all at once. it rejoiced because i thought he wiped his morning schedule so he could come with me and miraculously knew i'd stop at chick-fil-a. it plummeted very soon after when i realized that this was completely impossible.
i had to fight back a minor tear-up so i could order and be on my way.
it's strange how i can walk through life and not realize what i'm feeling until the feeling is relieved. once relieved i sit and think "wow! i was REALLY stressed!"
so in chick-fil-a the relief was just a mini-break from the stress.

i got alot of spanish homework done while waiting for my belly check. my measurements were small, 33 weeks. but he measured during a contraction so i can probably add a couple weeks at least. he was still head down and he had a heartbeat.

then dr. tate treated me to quite a few breech "war stories". you could see the glint in his eye when he recalled a double footling breech extraction. or when he recounted the tale of annie- the famous triplet vbac. it made me want to sign up for medical school at emory, just so i could study under him and learn the lost art of forceps, frank breech delivery, and paracervical blocks.
i almost felt like a normal pregnant woman, and when i left the office i looked forward to him delivering jedi- a doctor so experienced and so confident, yet so compassionate.

building a bridge

i have been reading the time magazine dedicated to mother teresa's 100th year birthday. i think the next to last article was the best- for me anyway.
it was all about the letters of hers that were released a few years ago. they were published in a book called "come be my light". the letters were from her to her confessor and possibly some other priests. she expressed doubt. she felt like God wasn't with her. she felt alone, abandoned. the article talked about how Jesus must have felt this way in the garden of gethsemane the night before his passion.
so, it was soothing to hear that doubt happens. it's not a sign of spiritual weakness, distance from God, or abandonment. God was closer to Jesus in the garden, and mother teresa in the hovels of calcutta than he was at any other time. it's what i do with the doubt that is important. will i let it consume me? control me? become me? or will i calmly keep putting one foot in front of the other and answer with love?
this week will be all about building bridges and getting over my doubt and anxiety.
-i need to pack a bag for the hospital(not alone- but with a friend).
-i need to pick a spot where jedi will be laid to rest when he goes home(already got the cemetery, just need to figure out where within it).
-i need to get together with my doula, photographer, and doctor(not all at the same time), and start making solid plans(more like a flow chart/birthplan).

fear, loss of control, and anger

i used to think i was the most patient person in the world.
then i became a mom and that fact was proven to be false.
i feel with each kid i have to let something else go. simplify a little bit more. let go of certain worldly expectations.
but this one is just a wild step further than any step i've taken before. and this loss of control(control i thought i had:) has caused me to find out more about myself.
i like to know or have some idea of what may happen in the future. with each pregnancy i go into the last trimester visualizing what the birth will be like. this time i can't. i don't know where to begin. and this has caused me to start having anger issues. i've never really dealt with heavy anger. sure i get impatient with the kids. sure i get frustrated with them. but a few times in the past weeks i have lashed out with a hot anger that scares me. scares the kids. afterwards i come to them and apologize and they are so sweet and understanding- it breaks my heart. i tell them that i'll figure it out. that i'll work really hard at not coming down on them so hard in the future. that this is a new thing for me- but they are just so patient with me, it's hard not to see God at work in us.

dealing with stress

so my stoicism is now getting the worst of me.
my night clenching is back with a fierce vengance. i woke this morning with a swollen face and felt like i hadn't slept at all. the stress is chipping at me from the inside. chris said we should meet at the gym after work and exercise to blow off some steam. what i heard was, "we should meet at the gym and you can go get a massage while i go exercise."
that sounds ALOT better. or maybe both. exercise followed by massage.