there was a time, right after jedidiah had died, when we took the van to get cleaned at the automatic wash. towards the end of the wash when those loud jets were blowing on the car- i just wanted to stop, freeze there in the loudness- the noise all around me, blocking everything out.
i was reminded of that when i laid back in the hot tub at the gym. i propped my feet up on the seat and just floated there- my ears below the water, listening to the jets. i closed my eyes and then i could remember jedidiah. so clear was the memory. i watched him flex and bend his wrists the way he did when he was cold during diaper chages. i looked at his eyebrows raise as he tried to track something above his head. i remembered the weight of his tiny head in my hands. the soft feel of his skin, his cheek, his silky hair. it was so nice.
my day is constantly full of noise, action, 'to do' lists. i never really have time to sit and remember him. but i know i need to work that into my schedule.