i wonder if mother teresa ever wished she could run away. i bet not.
i do sometimes. the only thing that stops me is the deep feeling inside that it won't solve anything. it won't take the pain away. it will always find me. it seems that the only place i can keep the pain away for any length of time is to be busy beyond my ability.
it's hard to have patience for kids who freak out about a cup being slightly too far away at the table. or kids that freak out and cry when they find out that the last stamp was used without their knowing.
i just want to say- "it's my turn. it's my turn to cry- to freak out and blubber on about things not being the way i want them to be"
sometimes i wonder how much of their freaking out is because of jedidiah or collateral damage or because they are kids and kids freak out about things alot.
i'm hoping that our trip to italy satisfies my desire to run away. i don't like feeling this way.
I'm praying for you during these difficult days.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it's really right or wrong, but I run away for a week once a year... It puts life back into my soul... it's time for me to be "me" instead of "mom." Fr K knows I do it and he hasn't reprimanded me for it yet! :) I love going to early morning Mass where no one knows me, and hanging out at a Starbucks just watching other people and trying to figure out their "story"... something I used to do as a teen but am not able to do when I've got to watch all my babes...
ReplyDeleteI do keep you in my prayers - I know first hand that some painful things don't ever go away, and some times are harder than others... but I try to focus on ways to unite my hurt with Jesus... it seems to make it worthwhile.
I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteSaints are not people without temptations...just those who respond to temptations with grace. Mother Teresa probably wanted to run away. The Cure of Ars tried to run away. Jesus asked His Father to take the away the cup if it be His Holy Will. You are in good company. I love you.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers Heavenward for you, Rose
I have been right where you are liz, about two months into it and I felt as if I was hanging off a cliff by one thread. I thought to myself, this is it.. this is where God has asked me to go ( to feel..) how will I respond to His call... I literally called out to God and asked Him to save me from my despair. The house, the kids, the schooling.. all faded into the walls.. and there I was hanging in the dark.. where do I go, how do I trust again..
ReplyDeleteThere's a verse in a song... Don't worry Now.. Britt Nicole...
" I've been there, ya, I know how it feels to wonder if Love is even real, Don't worry now, don't worry now... It's gonna be Okay
I've been trying to find a way to understand
When I can't see the picture of God's plan
Why would He let us hurt so bad?
Could anything good come of these feelings that I have?
He loved me more than the sand on beaches
He loved me more than the grass is green
And even though he had to go
I always knew his love was part of me, yeah
Its taken so long to let this go, it's taken so long to make it, But its gonna be O-kay.. Its Gonna be O-Kay.."
CAll me Liz, we are moving to PTC in about a month after john deploys... I'll be there, and I know .. I know.. trust me, I know... God Love you and be with you and chris on your trip.
Liz,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. Through the years I have come to understand that spending time alone, slowing down, feeling the aloneness and pain is the only time we allow Christ to hold us. Allow Mary to hold you, caress you, be your Holy Mother. Nothing seems right. I always look for just a couple minutes of peace during the day that I can forget my pain. Those minutes turn into hours and eventually turn into a couple of days at a time. Hope is there for you. Happiness will come slowly. I will pray for your heart.
The nurse in me tells you to spend time, in person, with others who feel the same. They are the only spirits who know. Those women who have lost the same, know how you feel just by looking into your eyes. There is a small comfort and safety that is felt.
I will ask Christ to give you just ten more minutes of peace tomorrow.
RN in PTC
Big hugs of love and compassion to you, Elizabeth. Your emotions are understandable. God love you for your honesty and being so open to your readers.
ReplyDeleteSaints are humans just like us. Of course they feel like running away. Who knows if they took a vacation.
ReplyDeleteWe all need time to grieve. However when we have little ones for whom to care, we cant afford that time. When my brother died of cancer a few years ago my son was just too little. I felt suffocated by the amount of grief plus the amount of responsibility that I had.
Take time in Italy. Take time to breathe. God wants us to rest too and thats why He made Sunday.