yesterday's jedi hike

we hiked to jedidiah's grave yesterday. in our hiking party we had all the kids, christina and her daughter marianna, aunt denny, uncle father kevin, and grandma&grandpa(in the golf cart).
we met up with a friend and her daughter from church.
it was a beautiful day with temps in the low 50s and not a cloud in the sky.
father kevin said mass and gave good homily focusing mark 3:22-30(the gospel of the day.

turn off the radio down on the left before watching the video.

a weekend to celebrate life

right after the prolife march we headed to a neighborhood north of
atlanta and set up camp at a hotel with a nice pool and complimentary
breakfast.
it was neat to see all the jedidiah hoodies moving about the halls.
saturday morning we packed into a room for mass.
the last picture at the bottom is of my niece, nora, and a painting
she completed as a gift for me.

The prolife march

it was so nice for my family to be together again for this cause.
especially touching was being able to walk with father kevin. it's
hard when i think of how temporary his r&r leave is.
i shared jedidiah's story with many people. and that made me warm,
despite the cold. the more people who know him- and know that life is
SO very beautiful, no matter how long it is, nor what is accomplished-
the easier the grief is.

several people expressed desire to order their own sweatshirt. email
me at Arendale(at)charter(dot)net. if you'd like one of your own.

another bed for jedi

mary jane made another little bed for jedi. she makes one
periodically. it's usually when i am deep cleaning our bedroom.
today she gathered all te stuffed animals together and brought his
christmas stocking over and laid it beside his bed.
i poured mj and frankie a bath and began to put away his bed while
they were distracted with the water. the most touching part about his
bed was this angel doll i found, holding a baby.

uncle-father kevin is home!

sharing memories

gathered around his laptop, looking at pictures and telling stories.

a new year

new year's eve was hard. i wasn't expecting it. i made it through christmas with only a brief period of tough grief only to be blindsided on new year's eve. chris and i sat watching the sparkly ball drop in times square on tv. the children were all asleep. i just began crying- out of the blue. it may have been something said by the announcer, i'm not sure. but i thought about how jedi's WHOLE life- from conception to death was held in 2010. how we are leaving 2010 behind and embracing all that is new and hopeful. 2011! but i wasn't so excited. i wanted to hold on to 2010 for a bit longer. i wasn't ready to let go. but let go i must. i feel like a donkey who can't be coaxed forward- digging in my heels, throwing my head back so i can keep remembering, keep living, keep inhaling jedi.

i'm in such a fog. i went to confession last night and i honestly didn't know what to say. i'm VERY far from perfect so i KNOW there was alot i could say. i have just been so numb and in a fog- i can't sit and be recollected. forget searching my day to find what i have done wrong, i can't even name one thing i have done right! so i just knelt there and mumbled and cried and sniffed- thankful for the screen between the priest and i. and he quoted scripture- paul- "in my weakness i am made strong". so beyond this fog, above it, the same God that gave me chris and the kids, that ensures i have oxygen to breathe and eyes to see, He is making me strong. i do not feel it at all. i don't feel the strength coming. but i must trust past the feelings- for feelings at times may be deceiving.

a diaper fit for a jedi

another mom

please pray for this girl.
i'm not sure if this is real, but if it is- i'm so sad that she's having to turn to yahoo answers for advice! it reminds me to be so very thankful for the gift(it is in fact a GIFT!) of faith and for the support of all my family and friends.

children's grief

mary jane and frances talk about jedidiah every day- multiple times a day. they play with his bear. they see the balloon on the ceiling and ask "is that jedidiah's balloon?" (yes, it's still up there;).
i found it unsettling one night to witness the girls playing at funeral in my room. i was knitting and they had jedidiah's bear wrapped in a blanket. they called it "the box". they then took a rug and covered "the box" and said "now the box is under the ground". then they pulled the bear out and played some other game with it.
i thought, "how morbid!". but then, kids do that. they play to understand. the copycat mom and dad so that they can learn how to behave. but they are also very lighthearted beings. mary jane and frances' play reminded me of ring around the rosey. that song and it's origin is a testament to a child's view of grief. life happens- and then they turn it into a song and game.
this afternoon we went out as a family. it being naptime, frances naturally fell asleep. when we got to our destination i unbuckled her and was about to slip her onto my shoulder when she woke. she was wide eyed and alert so quickly, it shocked me.
"jedidiah's in heaven. jedidiah's in heaven. jedidiah's in heaven."
she repeated this over and over.
i asked, "did you see him?"
she smiled, "yes".
"did you hold him?"
she smiled bigger, "yes".
the children are helping me grieve just by grieving in their own unique way- we are all together on this journey.