new year's eve was hard. i wasn't expecting it. i made it through christmas with only a brief period of tough grief only to be blindsided on new year's eve. chris and i sat watching the sparkly ball drop in times square on tv. the children were all asleep. i just began crying- out of the blue. it may have been something said by the announcer, i'm not sure. but i thought about how jedi's WHOLE life- from conception to death was held in 2010. how we are leaving 2010 behind and embracing all that is new and hopeful. 2011! but i wasn't so excited. i wanted to hold on to 2010 for a bit longer. i wasn't ready to let go. but let go i must. i feel like a donkey who can't be coaxed forward- digging in my heels, throwing my head back so i can keep remembering, keep living, keep inhaling jedi.
i'm in such a fog. i went to confession last night and i honestly didn't know what to say. i'm VERY far from perfect so i KNOW there was alot i could say. i have just been so numb and in a fog- i can't sit and be recollected. forget searching my day to find what i have done wrong, i can't even name one thing i have done right! so i just knelt there and mumbled and cried and sniffed- thankful for the screen between the priest and i. and he quoted scripture- paul- "in my weakness i am made strong". so beyond this fog, above it, the same God that gave me chris and the kids, that ensures i have oxygen to breathe and eyes to see, He is making me strong. i do not feel it at all. i don't feel the strength coming. but i must trust past the feelings- for feelings at times may be deceiving.