new year's eve was hard. i wasn't expecting it. i made it through christmas with only a brief period of tough grief only to be blindsided on new year's eve. chris and i sat watching the sparkly ball drop in times square on tv. the children were all asleep. i just began crying- out of the blue. it may have been something said by the announcer, i'm not sure. but i thought about how jedi's WHOLE life- from conception to death was held in 2010. how we are leaving 2010 behind and embracing all that is new and hopeful. 2011! but i wasn't so excited. i wanted to hold on to 2010 for a bit longer. i wasn't ready to let go. but let go i must. i feel like a donkey who can't be coaxed forward- digging in my heels, throwing my head back so i can keep remembering, keep living, keep inhaling jedi.
i'm in such a fog. i went to confession last night and i honestly didn't know what to say. i'm VERY far from perfect so i KNOW there was alot i could say. i have just been so numb and in a fog- i can't sit and be recollected. forget searching my day to find what i have done wrong, i can't even name one thing i have done right! so i just knelt there and mumbled and cried and sniffed- thankful for the screen between the priest and i. and he quoted scripture- paul- "in my weakness i am made strong". so beyond this fog, above it, the same God that gave me chris and the kids, that ensures i have oxygen to breathe and eyes to see, He is making me strong. i do not feel it at all. i don't feel the strength coming. but i must trust past the feelings- for feelings at times may be deceiving.
I completely understand why you would want to hold on...it's that feeling that the farther you get from Jedi being here, the less you have him to hold onto. Praying for you, Liz!
ReplyDeleteHugs. I really can see how it would be hard to say goodbye to 2010. Its like 1 step further away...
ReplyDeleteYour last couple of lines are very profound. The darkness can get so dark, but that is where the seed of faith grows best. You may feel weak but the rest of us see you as strong. Jedidiah is praying for you. He believes in you.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love, Rose
I'm praying for you. I am a Catholic, too and a very imperfect one. I am going to pray to Saint Therese the Little Flower for you today. She lost her mother at five and several of her siblings as infants and young children. May God shower you with peace, love and blessings.
ReplyDeleteweakness is okay too. sadness is okay. feeling whatever you're feeling is okay. You are okay. jedi is okay. You will always be together and in time may get more used to your special mother son relationship arrangement, but you don't have to accept it right away. mourn. grieve. you are good.
ReplyDelete"in my weakness I am made strong" this scripture was also given to me over and over last year. It's sad how i was ready to put 2010 behind me and you mourn it leaving....it may be a new year but we both know the sorrow and pain and good times still remain ... Liz your THE strongest person I know and I have said this before your journey with Jedi kept me strong thru the deployment....it's a new year yet we both are still living with joy sorrow and pain of last year ...love you and still praying for you all.
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