delivery

i sometimes think of what jedidiah's delivery will be like.
will it be natural?
will i need pitocin?
will it be hard?
will he be delivered alive?
will he have trouble?
will it be early?
will it be late?
will he be big enough to thrive?

there is one place where i just can't go. i have thought about it but i pray HARD that God in his mercy will spare me this decision.
in a discussion i had with a prospective care provider he suggested i get an amnio.
i felt i knew what i needed to know. i felt there was no use putting the kid under more difficulty so we could know beyond a reasonable doubt what was going on.
the reason he gave for suggesting the amnio was that he would be able to have this knowledge during labor. he said, "if the baby tanks, we would know not to go running to the OR for an emergency c-section."
i know plenty of people who are smart and generally considered compassionate and they all agree with him.
but as the mom- i have a REALLY hard time with this scenario. i don't think i could listen to the heartrate tank and tell everyone- "please sit on your hands. this baby is going to die anyway, let's just let it die inside me, ok?"

and then there is the alternative. i agree to a c-section. jedidiah is delivered and possibly only lives for moments. he meets his siblings and father, while i am looped out on drugs and don't remember a bit about him or the moments we shared. and i am left to mourn as i heal. the long hard road of c-section recovery mixed in with the long hard road of losing a baby.
so i pray. i pray hard that this decision doesn't come visiting me.