counseling

i was raised in a family where it seemed the motto was "stiff upper
lip, nose to the grind stone". in a way it was good- things kept
moving. they had to at the risk of falling apart.
it was difficult to step out if line and ask for help because that
would mean stopping the machine.
so it has naturally taken me awhile to ask for help this past year.
ask any one of my siblings if it's easy to ask for help. guaranteed
they'll say "it's not easy" no matter what temperament they are.
i started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago. i admit being fearful
of post partum depression. i was fearful of that after jedidiah
died. so my fear drove me to ask for help. i was referred to a
catholic counseling service north of atlanta. and as i drove home
from my first session i felt kind of bummed. i risked opening myself
up- yet again(exhausting)- and i didn't get anything practical(what i
was expecting). i needed tools, advice, a "here's what you do in
*this* situation" type game plan. but when i came back through the
door and met the kids it occured to me. i don't need tools. i need
time and space. when i came back through the door i was ready to be
needed. ready to be the short order cook, boo-boo kisser, bottom
wiper, and shoe finder. and another thing occured to me. the last
hour at the counselor's was all about me. me and no one else. i
wasn't being needed. i had the time and space to open up and feel.
at home i revert to "stiff upper lip, nose to the grindstone" type
mentality. i can't step out of line and open up to my feelings or the
machine will break down. being needed constantly while grieving is
difficult and exhausting. i think what scares me the most is the
amount of "neediness" is going to shift big time soon. i'll be going
from having the youngest child in my care being a rather independant
and mobile 3 year old to a VERY dependent newborn.

so please pray for me during this time-as the anniversary of
jedidiah's death approaches- that i may have the grace for whatever
God sends me, that i may have the grace to ask for help, and that my
family will grow in holiness through it all.