introducing john cornelius

after what seemed like weeks of prodromal labor...
he decided a quick entry would be appropriate.
here is the short and sweet-
departed home @ a little before 5 pm(AKA "rush hour")
arrived at hospital @6:15
made it into an l&d room @6:33
john cornelius entered the world screaming at 6:45
below you will see me texting with his dad earlier today. yes- his
contact name is "ice ice baby"- but that's purely for an "in case of
emergency" situation. his contact name used to be "better than
chocolate" and he lived up to that name and some today.

thank you for your kind messages, thoughts, and prayers

i have received so many sweet messages over the past three days and i'd just like to say thank you!

i was really hoping to not go into labor and have to be in the hospital for jedidiah's feast day. and friday night at about 10 i sat back on the couch and gave out a sigh of relief. it was a nice day of remembrance. we looked at pictures and shared our favorite memories.
and this morning one of my first thoughts was that jedidiah was giving a thumbs up to "dolphin"- like, "it's almost time for you little brother. you'll love them, and they'll love you. give them a hug for me- ok?"
i love those little gifts. sentiments of love shared by the community of saints that are bound together beyond borders of time, space, and infinity.

counseling

i was raised in a family where it seemed the motto was "stiff upper
lip, nose to the grind stone". in a way it was good- things kept
moving. they had to at the risk of falling apart.
it was difficult to step out if line and ask for help because that
would mean stopping the machine.
so it has naturally taken me awhile to ask for help this past year.
ask any one of my siblings if it's easy to ask for help. guaranteed
they'll say "it's not easy" no matter what temperament they are.
i started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago. i admit being fearful
of post partum depression. i was fearful of that after jedidiah
died. so my fear drove me to ask for help. i was referred to a
catholic counseling service north of atlanta. and as i drove home
from my first session i felt kind of bummed. i risked opening myself
up- yet again(exhausting)- and i didn't get anything practical(what i
was expecting). i needed tools, advice, a "here's what you do in
*this* situation" type game plan. but when i came back through the
door and met the kids it occured to me. i don't need tools. i need
time and space. when i came back through the door i was ready to be
needed. ready to be the short order cook, boo-boo kisser, bottom
wiper, and shoe finder. and another thing occured to me. the last
hour at the counselor's was all about me. me and no one else. i
wasn't being needed. i had the time and space to open up and feel.
at home i revert to "stiff upper lip, nose to the grindstone" type
mentality. i can't step out of line and open up to my feelings or the
machine will break down. being needed constantly while grieving is
difficult and exhausting. i think what scares me the most is the
amount of "neediness" is going to shift big time soon. i'll be going
from having the youngest child in my care being a rather independant
and mobile 3 year old to a VERY dependent newborn.

so please pray for me during this time-as the anniversary of
jedidiah's death approaches- that i may have the grace for whatever
God sends me, that i may have the grace to ask for help, and that my
family will grow in holiness through it all.

more pics from jedidiah's birthday

christina took these with her phone. she has an app that surprises
you with whatever filter, flare, or style it happens to choose.

jedidiah's birthday

we went to first saturday mass this morning at st. monica's. father joseph concelebrated with father jack and it reminded me of jedidiah's baptism and confirmation- how they concelebrated those special sacraments. max and henry got to serve mass and it said for our family- a gift from christina and mike.
after mass we headed home for breakfast and to load the bikes and stroller in the van. a little before noon we headed out to conyers. i kept up with our "caravan" via text. fr. kevin, christina and mike, and my mom and dad were all heading towards conyers along with us.
we ended up out at honey creek woodlands at about the same time. i was so surprised to see joe whitaker there. he's the steward that helped us choose jedidiah's plot and is such a sweet and caring soul.





we hiked out amongst the changing leaves and crisp air. within a mile everyone was itching to shuck their top layer. the sun had warmed up and it hardly felt november. i remembered that while i was in labor a year ago- the weather outside was acting so squirrely. it was warm, then windy, then REALLY cold, then sleeting, and i think snow was reported on brasstown bald. it was such a weird surreal day. but then the following monday when we brought jedidiah home it was beautiful! sunny, warm, delicious. today was alot like that i think. and chris said as we hiked "it could be ALOT colder today".
we walked with mike's brother, gene's family. his gene's mother in law is buried not too far from jedidiah. while we visited at jedidiah's grave my dad presented me with a painting done by a friend and artist. it was so beautiful and seemed full of symbolism. i was touched with gratitude. after spending some time by jedidiah's grave we headed over to gene's mother in law's grave to pay our respects.
we had a little lunch at the picnic shelter and then headed back. i just kept thinking how beautiful it was to be able to have the hike in and out as a buffer- a way to prepare our souls for the memories and experience of the sacred space of our loved one's graves. hiking out we could gradually re-awaken ourselves to the pace and expectation of the living world. but for the hour we were out at the burial grounds it seems like time was frozen in a beautiful nature preserve.
we said goodbye to joe and headed west on 20 towards georgia tech. we decided to attend the saturday vigil mass at the catholic center where father kevin is stationed as chaplain. on the downtown connector we drove past emory midtown- the hospital where jedidiah was born. all day today i had been keeping up with the labor of a mom via a message board i am a member of. my heart immdiately went out to her. in that hospital- she labored with the same doctor on the same day as jedidiah's birth- except she was expecting twins!
at mass the second reading held the soothing words that father kevin used in his letter- and when the tech student read the words he and i exchanged knowing glances. "we do not grieve as those without hope".
after mass we headed out to dinner with my parents. and now we are back at home. AND-i returned to the good news that the twins were born safely and mom and babies are all doing nicely.

i have to edit this post to say thank you to all of you again. i will never tire in saying my thanks to every one of you. i just checked the page views from last year. november 2010 this blog got 49,550 visits. and it reminded me of the many beautiful notes i received from readers while i was in labor. those notes helped me more than i can say. and the continued support and prayers are gifts that i feel deep gratitude for. thank you friends. every year i will have masses said for "friends of jedidiah"- and know that you number among them.

happy birthday jedidiah

most babies are learning to walk on their first birthday.
you are learning to fly.