a dream this morning

i had a dream that we had our baby boy("dolphin") as the girls call him. it was an uneventful birth. we actually went home without him*. the home we were in at the time was a LARGE rambling house owned by my sister-in-law. everyone was living there. we needed to furnish our room so i went to this store that was like like a homoginized home depot/walmart/linens and things. i bought new underwear, a bathmat, some sheets, and a ceiling fan. when we arrived back at the house i saw my sister-in-law's boyfriend walking around the pool- it was FULL of kids. like i said, everyone lived there. so we drove around to the front yard where they had just built a pool and that pool was full too! we pulled up short of the pool and all of the sudden i got this terrible feeling in my gut. i needed to find my mom. and i wanted chris too.
i ran around the house and found chris. together, we then found mom- she was in kevin's room and he was taking a nap. at the foot of his bed kids were playing cards. regina was talking on the phone sitting next to his bed. i wanted privacy but more than that i wanted to ask a burning question.
"what's going on with our baby?"
"he passed a clot this morning." she said and looked away.
"and?"
"well, there was part of his outside skin that didn't form on the outside, it stayed inside."
while she said this the ridge of her nose started turning black and melting down her face. she turned to me and said, "the skin came out with the clot and... and... and he died."
i've gone to sleep crying quite a few times. i've never woken up crying like i did this morning. well, actually sobbing was more of what it was like.
we got an ultrasound on this kid. the lady said that nothing is wrong as far as she can see. we didn't agree to any more tests- because we knew that tests don't serve to take away ALL your worry. you're still going to worry. you're still going to doubt they did the test right. you'll doubt they turned over all the stones.
chris held me. i listened to his heart but i couldn't go back to sleep. everytime i closed my eyes i went back to that place. part of me wanted to find a mirror back in my dream. convinced that if i looked in it i i wouldn't see myself. convinced that in my dream i was someone else.

frankie's little flower moment

yesterday i had all my sister's kids over here for the day. so that would be 13 kids running around. in the evening, after a dinner that i botched(ran out of flour for the dumplings so it was more like chicken 'n cornbread bc i used cornmeal), frankie started throwing a fit. i took her upstairs to our quiet room and was firm and calm. we weren't going downstairs until we read a couple books. my hope was that she would fall into much needed sleep, but calming her down was also a priority. she kept trying to negotiate. her little 2 year old mind making me bite my lip to keep from laughing.
"NOOOOO!!!! i don't WANT to read a book!"
then later
"we can go downstairs AFTER we read a book. ok mommy?"
"yes. after we read a book."
"NOOOOOO!!! mommy! AFTER we read a book we can go downstairs."
"sure, after we read a book we can go downstairs."
she kept going around in circles not agreeing with me but using words that were in agreement.
i am not sure how the subject got to jedidiah but she said, "dedidiah(that's how she says his name) died after we went to church."
"we brought jedidiah to church after he died- yes."
"i don't want dedidiah to die"
"yeah i don't either"
"i want you to hold him in your tummy again."
"and I want you to hold him in YOUR arms again."
she smiled.
i said, "guess who is holding him now."
she looked at me.
i said, "mama mary."
"NOOOO!!!(she was still a little bit in her fit) i don't WANT her to hold dedidiah!!"
"ok, well mother teresa can hold him."
"NOOOO!!! dedidiah is a BOY!"
"ok, so Jesus can hold him?"
"yeah"- she smiled.
then she said "where is daddy?"
"he is sitting in his chair."
"i want him to die so he can go hold dedidiah."
that reminded me of the little flower- how she wished her mother would die so she could go to heaven. i thought it was so touching- she wanted someone she knew jedidiah loved and knew here to hold him.
all this talking about jedidiah is new for her. she couldn't really put into words her thoughts back when he was alive and even when he died. but i knew she was storing it away- and would bring it back out when understanding and knowledge merged.