frankie's little flower moment

yesterday i had all my sister's kids over here for the day. so that would be 13 kids running around. in the evening, after a dinner that i botched(ran out of flour for the dumplings so it was more like chicken 'n cornbread bc i used cornmeal), frankie started throwing a fit. i took her upstairs to our quiet room and was firm and calm. we weren't going downstairs until we read a couple books. my hope was that she would fall into much needed sleep, but calming her down was also a priority. she kept trying to negotiate. her little 2 year old mind making me bite my lip to keep from laughing.
"NOOOOO!!!! i don't WANT to read a book!"
then later
"we can go downstairs AFTER we read a book. ok mommy?"
"yes. after we read a book."
"NOOOOOO!!! mommy! AFTER we read a book we can go downstairs."
"sure, after we read a book we can go downstairs."
she kept going around in circles not agreeing with me but using words that were in agreement.
i am not sure how the subject got to jedidiah but she said, "dedidiah(that's how she says his name) died after we went to church."
"we brought jedidiah to church after he died- yes."
"i don't want dedidiah to die"
"yeah i don't either"
"i want you to hold him in your tummy again."
"and I want you to hold him in YOUR arms again."
she smiled.
i said, "guess who is holding him now."
she looked at me.
i said, "mama mary."
"NOOOO!!!(she was still a little bit in her fit) i don't WANT her to hold dedidiah!!"
"ok, well mother teresa can hold him."
"NOOOO!!! dedidiah is a BOY!"
"ok, so Jesus can hold him?"
"yeah"- she smiled.
then she said "where is daddy?"
"he is sitting in his chair."
"i want him to die so he can go hold dedidiah."
that reminded me of the little flower- how she wished her mother would die so she could go to heaven. i thought it was so touching- she wanted someone she knew jedidiah loved and knew here to hold him.
all this talking about jedidiah is new for her. she couldn't really put into words her thoughts back when he was alive and even when he died. but i knew she was storing it away- and would bring it back out when understanding and knowledge merged.

one year anniversary of naming of jedi

on the way to huntsville last memorial day i was knitting the
beginnings of jedi's blue blanket. we didn't know what gender he
was. in fact the wednesday after memorial day was to be our first
ultrasound- the ultrasound that first let us know everything was not
ok. on our way to huntsville we talked over names. i already had the
middle name picked out. i wanted joseph and i was waiting for chris
to pick a nice first name. chris said he liked the name jed. so i
said "what about jedidiah?". i remembered seeing that name on bumper
stickers in san diego when we lived there. so it was decided. if he
was a girl we were going to go with charlotte rose.

it's hard to remember what life was like before jedi had something
wrong. how his future extended before us. how we dreamed of him
growing up with the kids- learning to ride a bike, dig for worms, and
climb trees.
my first ultrasound with dolphin (the name given the current womb baby
by his older sister mary jane) i sat on the table and looked up at the
tv screen on the wall. it took me back to the peri's office and all
those "abnormal" boxes the ultrasound tech kept checking with jedi.
there was about one or two boxes she checked "normal".
although i never cried during any of jedi's ultrasound i burst out
crying there on the table with dolphin- and they hadn't even turned on
the machine!
chris grabbed me some tissues. ultrasounds now no longer mean the
same thing. they used to be all cute and "we get to peek in at our
baby this thursday!" and "we're going to find out what gender our baby
is tomorrow!"
no, now when i hear about someone getting an ultrasound i kind of hold
my breath. i pray that whatever learned in that room- good or bad-
comes with the adequate graces.

peace,
elizabeth

st. jedidiah, pray for us!
http://trisomyjourney.blogspot.com

baby in a bubble widget

i'm not sure why the baby floating in the bubble on the top left looks like a 6 weeker. this baby is almost 14 weeks and has ALOT more detail than a 6 weeker.
i'll try to upload some ultrasound pics later.

a baby

and it's a boy!
and he's due right after that anniversary of jedi's death- so i come
to you all, yet again- begging your prayers. i still and navigating
grief. i don't LOVE the term rainbow baby. i don't like how people
think of other children purely as a bandaid or a salve. i REALLY want
this baby to stand on his own- be his own person, but right now there
is still a shadow and pretty big shoes to fill. will i EVER see this
baby as he is on his own? or will there be a nagging comparison?
will i find pure joy in being able to nurse and sling this baby-
without the shadow of loss in not ever being able to do that for and
with jedi? i am not sure. all this is so new to me.

six months

today is jedidiah's hevenly half birthday. we went to mass and
grandma and grandpa peek took us to chick-fil-a afterwards. tonight
we will have cake.
i think the date that has been on my mind the most is the date that
changed our lives. coming up- june 1st. the day of our first
ultrasound.

peace,
elizabeth

st. jedidiah, pray for us!
http://trisomyjourney.blogspot.com

my first dream

i had a dream about jedi last night. my first dream ever. i was
holding him kind of on my hip. and he was able to hold his head up
and look about. it was a holiday- Christmas i think -and i was busy
and running around. i stopped to think of when i last fed him-and
that he must be hungry. i looked at him and felt a pang of guilt-
forgeting to feed him.
i remember one of my last thoughts before i went to sleep last night
was remembering how I used to have to set an alarm for feedings. he
very rarely complained and i just wanted to save him the effort- even
small efforts were very taxing.
what a gift! thank you God for a little taste of heaven!

from italy

our trip to italy was such a renewing time. it was hard to leave te
kids for so long- but they'll be reaping the rewards of having parents
who love each other and are willing to take time for each other. i
loved being able to simply walk down the old cobblestone streets and
hold his hand. i loved experiencing new and different, familiar and
tasty culinary delights at quiet meals with him. i loved the
strolling through museums, skiing the dolomites, and cruising the
autostrada-all with him.
here's us under michelangelo's duomo at san pietro's.
click here to link to the blog about our italian trip.