our trisomy journey- God's gift of jedidiah joseph

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

a big thank you

i bought a giant pack of thank you cards so i could acknowledge those people who have helped. it's overwhelming though, the amount of people who are pouring out support. and it comes in ALL kinds of forms. meals, gift cards, cleaning my house, babysitting, listening ears, quality time spent, beautiful personalized drawings by nieces:), kind, thoughtful, and compassionate comments made on the blog.
all these gifts have really been so touching. i can't possibly sit and pen "thank you"s to all the people who have reached out. i will still try though.
by far the most touching gift i've received are your prayers. they are my soul's balm.
yesterday- when i posted about kick counts- as soon as i clicked "publish" jedi decided to gift me with broad and swift kicks. it was amazing. i felt like the burden wasn't so focused on me- it was spread thin and you all were helping me carry it.

weekly appointments now

and i have to say that my sister regina is an angel.
not only does she take ALL six of my kids in while i go to a three hour minimum appointment, but she homeschools them as well- at least when they remember their backpacks(ahem- henry- ahem).

i woke up sometime before 5 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. i kept thinking about how i needed to get school stuff ready and kids ready and in the car before 8:30 and don't forget breakfast and oh yeah, chris needs clothes ironed, and throw some clothes in the wash before i go, did i forget anything????

it was so cold last night and i had left the window open. after my shower i had a huge fit of shivers, chattering teeth, and whole body shakes. it couldn't have been just the cold room. it was so massive i felt like throwing up. like i was in late labor transition. i quickly jumped back in the shower and stayed there until i felt my body was warm enough to retain heat until i got dressed.
it had to be stress. there is no other explanation. i was so worried about the appointment.
after i dropped the kids off at regina's house with their schoolbooks, a large bowl of cut watermelon, a gallon of milk, and some granola, i headed on my way.
i went into chick-fil-a for a biscuit since the line was long and as i crossed the parkinglot i saw a car very similar to chris' car. my heart leapt and sunk all at once. it rejoiced because i thought he wiped his morning schedule so he could come with me and miraculously knew i'd stop at chick-fil-a. it plummeted very soon after when i realized that this was completely impossible.
i had to fight back a minor tear-up so i could order and be on my way.
it's strange how i can walk through life and not realize what i'm feeling until the feeling is relieved. once relieved i sit and think "wow! i was REALLY stressed!"
so in chick-fil-a the relief was just a mini-break from the stress.

i got alot of spanish homework done while waiting for my belly check. my measurements were small, 33 weeks. but he measured during a contraction so i can probably add a couple weeks at least. he was still head down and he had a heartbeat.

then dr. tate treated me to quite a few breech "war stories". you could see the glint in his eye when he recalled a double footling breech extraction. or when he recounted the tale of annie- the famous triplet vbac. it made me want to sign up for medical school at emory, just so i could study under him and learn the lost art of forceps, frank breech delivery, and paracervical blocks.
i almost felt like a normal pregnant woman, and when i left the office i looked forward to him delivering jedi- a doctor so experienced and so confident, yet so compassionate.

Monday, October 4, 2010

kick counts

i know from past experience that baby movements slow down in the last month. i tell myself this more times a day than i can count. all during august and september he was a tumbling tornado. but since we've hit october he's mellowed out alot. it does cause me to stop and sit and will him to move. i feel like if i want it bad enough- he'll know and he'll give me a little jab. but sometimes the minutes and hours tick by with no update. my mouth gets dry. my concentration wanes. my thoughts turn to preparing for the absolute worst.
i used to believe that i could easily make it to 42 weeks before i felt the need get induced. but on the long nights when i can't sleep and i can't feel the familiar flutter- i'm tempted to request an induction before then. the chances of him being born alive seem to be greater then.
but- if anything- this journey has taught me that i control nothing. that the cliche cross stitched pillow saying "let go and let God" is right on. jedidiah came to us by natural means. he will be born by natural means and we will say goodbye to him and let him go by natural means.
my whole heart aches with the prayer that i will be given some time with him to enjoy his warmth- but God's plan is the masterplan. and there is something bigger at work than just me and my desires- no matter how earth shattering they may feel to little me.