more pics from jedidiah's birthday

christina took these with her phone. she has an app that surprises
you with whatever filter, flare, or style it happens to choose.

jedidiah's birthday

we went to first saturday mass this morning at st. monica's. father joseph concelebrated with father jack and it reminded me of jedidiah's baptism and confirmation- how they concelebrated those special sacraments. max and henry got to serve mass and it said for our family- a gift from christina and mike.
after mass we headed home for breakfast and to load the bikes and stroller in the van. a little before noon we headed out to conyers. i kept up with our "caravan" via text. fr. kevin, christina and mike, and my mom and dad were all heading towards conyers along with us.
we ended up out at honey creek woodlands at about the same time. i was so surprised to see joe whitaker there. he's the steward that helped us choose jedidiah's plot and is such a sweet and caring soul.





we hiked out amongst the changing leaves and crisp air. within a mile everyone was itching to shuck their top layer. the sun had warmed up and it hardly felt november. i remembered that while i was in labor a year ago- the weather outside was acting so squirrely. it was warm, then windy, then REALLY cold, then sleeting, and i think snow was reported on brasstown bald. it was such a weird surreal day. but then the following monday when we brought jedidiah home it was beautiful! sunny, warm, delicious. today was alot like that i think. and chris said as we hiked "it could be ALOT colder today".
we walked with mike's brother, gene's family. his gene's mother in law is buried not too far from jedidiah. while we visited at jedidiah's grave my dad presented me with a painting done by a friend and artist. it was so beautiful and seemed full of symbolism. i was touched with gratitude. after spending some time by jedidiah's grave we headed over to gene's mother in law's grave to pay our respects.
we had a little lunch at the picnic shelter and then headed back. i just kept thinking how beautiful it was to be able to have the hike in and out as a buffer- a way to prepare our souls for the memories and experience of the sacred space of our loved one's graves. hiking out we could gradually re-awaken ourselves to the pace and expectation of the living world. but for the hour we were out at the burial grounds it seems like time was frozen in a beautiful nature preserve.
we said goodbye to joe and headed west on 20 towards georgia tech. we decided to attend the saturday vigil mass at the catholic center where father kevin is stationed as chaplain. on the downtown connector we drove past emory midtown- the hospital where jedidiah was born. all day today i had been keeping up with the labor of a mom via a message board i am a member of. my heart immdiately went out to her. in that hospital- she labored with the same doctor on the same day as jedidiah's birth- except she was expecting twins!
at mass the second reading held the soothing words that father kevin used in his letter- and when the tech student read the words he and i exchanged knowing glances. "we do not grieve as those without hope".
after mass we headed out to dinner with my parents. and now we are back at home. AND-i returned to the good news that the twins were born safely and mom and babies are all doing nicely.

i have to edit this post to say thank you to all of you again. i will never tire in saying my thanks to every one of you. i just checked the page views from last year. november 2010 this blog got 49,550 visits. and it reminded me of the many beautiful notes i received from readers while i was in labor. those notes helped me more than i can say. and the continued support and prayers are gifts that i feel deep gratitude for. thank you friends. every year i will have masses said for "friends of jedidiah"- and know that you number among them.

happy birthday jedidiah

most babies are learning to walk on their first birthday.
you are learning to fly.

be not afraid conference

my brother spoke at the be not afraid conference in charlotte last thursday and so i got a ride up with him for the day. the conference was all about educating the support network of moms, dads, and families who are affected by a poor prenatal diagnosis. tracy winsor asked fr kevin to speak on grief within the arms of faith. she was especially touched by his letter he wrote upon learning of jedidiah's death. so he kind of used the letter as an outline and branched off from there.
one of the mom's came up to me after the talk and shared that her own brother- a protestant minister- told her she was sinning by grieving the loss of her baby boy. that since he was in heaven, her tears were somehow offending God. my heart ached for her. it still does. i am SO blessed to have the family that i have. sometimes i take it for granted. she spoke with father kevin afterward and i think got some healing and consolation from his words.
i also met a mom who recently lost beautiful twin girls who happened to share a heart. they died in august when they were 12 days old- and i have to repeat how beautiful they were. just gorgeous! we talked a bit about our experiences and i can't speak for her but it was healing for me to be with her. to just be with other moms that have experienced an infant loss- it's healing. you don't have to explain yourself, apologize, or guard yourself against insensitive comments.
i only wished i could have stayed for the rest of the conference. but friday was mary jane's fifth birthday and i wouldn't have missed that for the world.

freedom

this is from the book "interior freedom" by jacques philippe

it is natural and easy to go along with pleasant situations that arise without our choosing them. it becomes a broblem, obviously, when things are unpleassnt, go against us, or make us suffer. but it is precisely then that, in order to become truly free, we are often called to chooses to accept what we did not want, and even what we would not have wanted at any price. there is a paradoxical law of human life here: one cannot become truly free unless one accepts not always being free!
to achieve true interior freedom we must train ourselves to accept, peacefully and willingly, plenty of things that seem to contradict our freedo. this means consenting to our personal limitations, our weaknesses, our powerlessness, this or that situation that life imposes on us, and so on. we find it difficult to do this, because we feel a natural revulsion for situations we cannot control. but the fact is that the situations that really make us grow are precisely those we do not control.

images from today's ultrasound

everything is good. fluid is good. size is 58th percentile at 4.2
pounds.
i took all the kids(everyone but mary jane- she saw him at 13 and 16
wks). some of the older kids have asked questions about the health of
"dolphin" so I felt it necessary to have them all come and have a look-
see to allay their worries.
and he is head down- which is nice. for the past four weeks he ha
been head up- kicking my cervix. after a few hand stands in the pool
monday night i felt his kicks higher up and my ribs didn't feel so
tender. so- hopefully he'll stay put.

personal choices without handwriting on the wall

during jedi's birth chris and i had to make decisions without alot of information. we had to make decisions without a clear and similar trailblazer ahead of us.
on the "living with trisomy" site there are alot of great people and ALOT of great information. BUT.
every child with trisomy is different. every symptom of the disease that is collected and stacked against the little one is so unique both in the combination and the severity. so it was difficult to decide alot of things. they don't exactly publish a "what to expect when you are expecting a trisomy blessing" book.
decisions like...
- what's the best way to deliver? what do we look for in a care provider?
- should we sign a DNR?
- what further tests should we have run?
- should we get an amnio?
- when he is born how aggresive should we fight to help our little guy live?
- should we intubate?
- should we do lasix?
- should we risk him dying in an mri machine just to see how his brain is?

i could go on. and there is no one you can really ask. and if you ask anyone with personal experience they can really only tell you what they did with what they had(which is probably alot different than what you'll be given).

when we found out that jedi had holoprosencephaly and i posted on facebook about it several people chimed in saying "oh, i know a kid with that and he's 9!" and when we found out that jedidiah had tetrology of fallot and i posted that on facebook i heard that "sean white had that when he was born". and i wanted to say- "well, that's just a TINY sliver of the pie- there is so much else going on affecting multiple systems."

the very BEST advice i got when pregnant with jedidiah was from tracy winsor from "be not afraid". she is so great and sensitive when dealing with mothers who are carrying a baby given a poor prenatal diagnosis. one night at almost 11 pm i was pacing in front of my house with her on the phone in charlotte- i asked her "tracy, how will i know what to do? how will i know how hard to fight?"
and she said, "you'll know when you hold him. if he opens his eyes. if he cries. if he fights, you fight."
and i took that visualization to bed with me- every night for weeks. and she was right. i knew. those first few moments were doubtful. he wasn't breathing. he was getting darker and darker. and then he opened his eyes and started crying. and we knew he was a fighter. we knew that we owed him tests to find out more on how to help him. we knew that not deciding before birth was the best decision we could've made. leaving it open for God to decide and for us to follow.

and keeping myself open to God's will. had i felt called to an induction- i would've done it. had i felt called to an amnio- i would have done it. but i really felt called to leave it all up to Him. and no one can tell you God's will- you have to dig deep- find time for silence to listen and turn it over to Him.